THE HAT SQUAD: REMEMBERING POLLY BERGEN

Actress Polly Bergen has passed away.  Her death had a resonance with me only because she shared the same birth year as my mother.  But she did have several roles in the greater TV Universe that I felt should be given special mention.....

POLLY BERGEN

'THE POLLY BERGEN SHOW'

As a member of the League of Themselves, Ms. Bergen displayed her serlinguistic skills in addressing the Trueniverse audience.  I would imagine this series also exists in Earth Prime-Time while elements from it would be collected in Skitlandia.

HELEN MORGAN

'PLAYHOUSE 90' - "THE HELEN MORGAN STORY"

Morgan was a torch singer and actress from the 1920's and 30's who was most famous for playing Julie LaVerne in two major theatrical productions of "Show Boat" as well as in two movie adaptations.  But her life was marred by alcoholism and she died of cirrhosis at the age of 41.  Ms. Bergen was the first to play her in TV (DInah Shore would do so in 1983, but that would be relegated to Skitlandia.)  The Cineverse portrayal of Helen Morgan's life would go to Ann Blyth in a biopic that would be her last role.

CLAIREE BELCHER

'STEEL MAGNOLIAS'

This was a failed TV pilot for a series based on the hit movie, but which CBS burned off as a TV movie during the summer of 1990.  Ms. Bergen played the role first assayed by Olympia Dukakis in the Cineverse.  This would be the first of two televersions for Clairee Belcher, who would also be played by Phylicia Rashad in Black Toobworld.  Ms. Bergen's version would be in Toobworld-MOTW and until such time as a full TV series is broadcast of "Steel Magnolias", this will also be found in the main Toobworld.

RHODA HENRY

'THE WINDS OF WAR'

'WAR AND REMEMBRANCE'

Even though Polly Bergen played the same role in these two mini-series based on the novels by Herman Wouk, Rhoda Henry was two different women - each the doppelganger of the other in two different dimensions.  Although many of the cast, like Ms. Bergen, carried over to the sequel, too many of the major players were recastaways.  It would be impozz'ble, just impozz'ble, to find a reasonable splainin and still keep it believable.  (For example: Ali McGraw to Jane Seymour as Natalie Jastrow; Jan-Michael Vincent to Hart Bochner as Byron Henry; Ben Murphy to Michael Woods as Warren Henry; and John Houseman to John Gielgud as Aaron Jastrow.  Even Adolph Hitler was recast!)

KATE ALLEN

'COMMANDER IN CHIEF'

This role was something of an in-joke for Ms. Bergen.  In an alternate Toobworld in which Geena Davis played the President of the United States, Kate Allen was the mother of the President. (The POTUS of Toobworld must always be the same as that in the Trueniverse.)  Decades earlier over in the Cinverse, Ms. Bergen herself was the President in "Kisses For My President" (which is probably one of two movies she is best known for; the other being the original "Cape Fear".)  

STELLA WINGFIELD

'DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES'

Another from the "Mom" stage of Ms. Bergen's career, in which she played Lynette's over-bearing mother in one of the most popular TV series from the middle of the new millennium's first decade.

DORIS CAMPBELL

'BABY TALK'

The first of her recurring roles as the main character's Mom.  This was a series based on the movie in which Life was observed by a "talking" baby.  (Okay, his inner thoughts.....)

JANICE GRAHAM & CATHY BRANDON

'DR. KILDARE' - "THE DARK SIDE OF THE MIRROR"

From the IMDb:

A woman will die unless she receives a kidney from her estranged twin sister, but the sister, a model, is unwilling to undergo the surgery to donate it.

I only bring this one-shot (technically a two-shot?) appearance to show that "twins" of Ms. Bergen's characters exist in Toobworld because.....

FRAN FELSTEIN

'THE SOPRANOS' - "IN CAMELOT"

Fran was the mistress of Tony's late father and she regaled him with stories about her relationship with him and with anecdotes from her own life (including a liaison with JFK, but that could have been a tall tale). 

I'm thinking "Felstein" was her married name and that she might even be the twin sister to any number of her guest star roles in other shows:

• EMMA JULIEN: 'JAKE & THE FATMAN' - "BY MYSELF"
• DR. JOCELYN LAIRD: 'MURDER, SHE WROTE' - "SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL"
• EVELYN TAYLOR: 'MY TWO DADS' - "JOEY'S MOTHER-IN-LAW"
• ELIZABETH HASTINGS: 'HOTEL' - "IMAGES"
• ESTHER BRANDELL: 'FANTASY ISLAND' - "LADY OF THE HOUSE/MRS. BRANDELL'S FAVORITES"
• CRYSTAL COE: 'ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS' - "YOU CAN'T TRUST A MAN" 
• BARBARA FOX: "PERRY MASON - THE CASE OF THE SKIN-DEEP SCANDAL"

Among others.....

About the only roles she played as one-shot guest appearances who could not have been a twin sister to Fran Felstein would be in those shows from a different time period like 'Wagon Train' and 'Ellery Queen'.  And Judge Deborah in two episodes of 'Twice In A Lifetime' was (is) some kind of angelic being.....

As for her other TV roles, I think most of the TV movies would remain in Toobworld-MOTW and her appearances on shows like 'The Red Skelton Hour' would be in Skitlandia.

Here's one more theory of relateeveety - Could it be that her roles as Dana Pierce in a two-part 'The Love Boat' ("The Spoonmaker Diamond/Papa Doc/The Role Model/Julie's Tycoon") and as Dana Greenberg in the TV movie "How To Pick Up Girls!" be the same woman?  At best, I think we could say that they are the same woman in two different TV dimensions (Earth Prime-Time & Toobworld-MOTW) whose lives took different paths, based on the difference in their last names.

Good night and may God bless Polly Bergen.....

IN THE LAND OF MORDERA, WHERE THE SHADOWS USED TO LIE

Has a book ever changed your life?

For me, it was J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Hobbit".  It put me on the path that led me to the wonders of Fantasy.  (Although I think to be absolutely correct, perhaps Edith Hamilton's classic work on Greek Mythology would be more accurate as the kick-off.  But it was "The Hobbit" which sent me into overdrive towards a mania.

From there it was anything to do with the Fantasy genre - the classics, modern outlooks, and then to sub-genres like Urban Fantasy and Shared World Universes.  That category began with "The Incompleat Enchanter" and led to my own exploration into the shared universe of the Toobworld Dynamic.

Where was I going with this?  Oh yeah!

But Tolkien has been the apex in my sorry excuse for a mind and I always hoped that one day I could legitimately place his Middle Earth saga into the world of Earth Prime-Time.

That world of Elves, Dwarves, and Hobbits exist in two of the major fictional universes - BookWorld (coined by Jasper Fforde) and the Cineverse (coined by Craig Shaw Gardiner).  And for the TV Universe, it has become part of several alternate dimensions - specifically the Tooniverse and Skitlandia.  But as for the main Toobworld?  Sadly nothing.

And yet there's been a hint that the world of Middle Earth once existed in Toobworld.  A mere slip of a hint, and it needed some tweaking from Yours Truly, but it took 44 years for me to finally notice it.

'IT TAKES A THIEF'

"AN EVENING WITH ALISTER MUNDY"

King Armand of Mordera asked his old friend, gentleman thief Alister Mundy, to steal the King's most precious possession - his eleven year old daughter Carlotta.  Armand wanted her spirited out of the country to save her life, fearing an inevitable coup staged by power-mad General Contell.

With the assistance of his son Alexander and SIA official Wally Powers (plus Italian crook Funello), Alister took it a step further - they arranged it so that the military's coup d'etat was derailed. (As Barney Fife would say, they nipped it; they nipped it in the bud.)  The Morderian monarchy was secured.  It could very well be that Carlotta is now the Queen of that country.

Take a look at these frame grabs of King Armand and General Contell:

 

Putting aside that General Contell must be the evil twin of Captain Stuebing, these uniforms make me think of those Victorian/Edwardian wardrobes in fictional locations like Hentzau and Caronia - stereotypical Balkan costumes.

Because of its location so close to the Russian borders, the Balkan territory is the home for many of the fictional European monarchies and republics under threat of Soviet domination in such Cold War series as 'Mission Impossible'.  And I see no reason why another small portion can't be sliced out of some pre-existing Balkan nation in the Trueniverse to be the homeland of Mordera.

So.....

There are many fans of "The Lord Of The Rings" who have dabbled in cartography in order to fit the world of Middle Earth into modern day maps of the world.  I would suppose they used the Shire as a starting point - where else but to be found in the cozy rural England of Tolkien's youth - and then branched out from there.  Working with the materials provided by Tolkien with his own maps regarding distances, a lot of theories center on the Balkans as being the general location for Sauron's stronghold - Mordor.

 

So let's say that back in the early ages of the world, the Age of Legend, Mordor did indeed exist in that region, encompassing all of the countries to be found in the Balkans today, both real and tele-fictional.  With the passage of Time, the topography was radically changed and the evil of Sauron faded from memory along with the Elves and other supernatural beings who once inhabited the world.  Yet still traces of that Age survived, and one might be the name of Mordor itself.  Only it had become diminished, perhaps to rob the name of its power over the minds of men.  Over the eons, the only remnant of Mordor to survive could have been found in the kingdom's name of Mordera.

Perhaps it means "Little Mordor".....

Well, for now, it's just an idea.  But one day, the world of Middle Earth as envisioned by Tolkien might be adapted for television - perhaps stories from "The Silmarillion".  And when that happens, not only could we hopefully absorb Peter Jackson's six movies into Earth Prime-Time, but we could accept the Mordor/Mordera connection as being legitimate.

BCnU!

Published on the birthday of Frodo and Bilbo Baggins.....

TELEVISION: TEACHING TOOL

Sage advice from Louis CK:

BCnU!

PRODUCT UNBECOMING: AUTOTRADER

It's likely Autotrader.com will win the Toobits Award for the best commercial crossover because of their continuation of 'The Dukes Of Hazzard' storyline so many decades later.

But at the same time, they get the nod for the Worst Product Placement as well.

Twice in one week characters in TV shows extolled the virtues of Autotrader in the storyline, no matter how clunky the attempt to weave it in seamlessly.

First up: 'Rizzoli & Isles'

Boston Detective Frankie Rizzoli was considering a trade-in for his motorcycle to get a convertible instead.  When Detective Vince Korsak pointed out that a convertible would not be good in the cruel New England winters, Frankie reminded him that a motorcycle was even worse.  

Not too bad, with only the one screen shot of the website on his cell phone.

But a few days later on 'Royal Pains'......

Dr. Hank Lawson's sister Emma was looking through Autotrader.com on her cell phone in hopes of scoring her first car.  She ended up getting a red convertible.  (Perhaps even the one Frankie had his eyes on!)

Autotrader.com got three mentions in that episode, plus two different screen shots of their website.  Hopefully the producers of that show got paid more than the showrunners of 'Rizzoli & Isles'.

My thanks to Bob Buonocore for bringing the 'Royal Pains' insertS to my attention!

BCnU!

GAME OF THE NAME HAT SQUAD: REMEMBERING DENNY MILLER

The late Denny Miller, one of the Tarzans of the Cineverse, made two appearances on 'Gilligan's Island'.  In Season One he played surfer Duke Williams, who rode a wave for five days and then landed on the island.  Later he returned to the show as an actor who planned on using his experiences on the island for his screen test to play the lead in "Tongo the Ape Man".

We never learned the real name of that actor; the castaways only knew him as "Tongo".  So why can't we tidy things up by claiming that Duke and "Tongo" were one and the same?

The fact that those seven stranded castaways didn't see the resemblance between Duke and "Tongo" was already a Zonk that needed splainin.  Since I planned to disable that discrepancy anyway, why not take it that further step?

Duke Williams gained a lot of publicity from his marathon surfing (although he never mentioned the castaways once he got back.)  I think it might be reasonable to assume that he would cash in on that notoriety with book deals, public appearances, and yes, even a movie role or two.  He wouldn't be the first from that time period to capitalize on their fame in other fields by acting in the movies.  Mel Torme, Roy Orbison, the Beatles, and even farther back, Audie Murphy.  

And Duke Williams already knew the location of the island, so he probably saw it as the perfect site to stage his "audition".

But why didn't Gilligan and "all the rest" recognize the fact that "Tongo" was Duke Williams?

The Island from 'Lost' was not the only island in Toobworld with mysterious energies.  So many of the "identical cousins" of the castaways were drawn to that island; it seemed to affect satellites and space capsules so that they would crash on its shores; and plants unknown anywhere else on the planet seemed to thrive there.

One of these plants was the bush of "thinkberries" which gave people the ability to read the minds of others.  (Dried berries from this bush make an appearance in my Toobworld novel.)  So why couldn't there also be a bush of berries, or perhaps a new strain of vegetable or mushroom which when ingested would cause amnesia?  

When you consider plotlines about mind transference along with visits by rock bands, military dicators, and Japanese soldiers who think WWII was still going on, would such an amnesia-inducing food be so far-fetched?

In a never-seen adventure of the show just before the arrival of "Tongo", the castaways may have ingested such a food which gave them selective amnesia about the identiy of Duke Williams.  

With 'Gilligan's Island' being so unabashedly silly in their suspension of disbelief, I think this is a fairly reasonable splainin.....

But even if you hold fast to the belief that Duke and "Tongo" were two separate characters, I would hope you would at least entertain this theory of relateeveety - that both men were descended from a 'Wagon Train' scout named Duke Shannon.  (As far as I'm concerned, Duke Williams carried that name in memory of his grandfather.)

Submitted for your approval in memory of Denny Miller.

Good night and may God bless......

KEEP ON TREKKIN': FINGER FOOD FOR THOUGHT....

Re:

'Endeavour'

"Home"

From the IMDb: "In this episode the viewer discovers why Morse has a limp in later life. A storyline from the young Endeavour Morse to coincide with the real-life injury sustained by John Thaw and thus a physical element that Thaw brought to the character of Inspector Morse."

This type of situation always reminds me of James Doohan, who played Scotty on 'Star Trek'.  Doohan gave the middle finger to Hitler (as he put it) when he lost the digit during the Allied landing at Normandy.  But they never addressed it on 'Star Trek' - in fact they covered it up in one episode where Scotty had to lay his hand on a truth verification device by using a "stunt hand".  (As you can see from this screecap from "The Trouble With Tribbles", however, they weren't always successful.)

They should have addressed the issue when Scotty returned in "Relics", the 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' episode.  For over 70 years, Scotty had been in the "storage" of a recycling transporter beam.  When he was rescued, Scotty could have had a bit missing that couldn't be reconstituted and hence, the loss of his finger.....

BCnU!

TV ON TELEVISION - DE-ZONKING "RUMPOLE"

'WILL & GRACE'

"FEAR AND CLOTHING"

After Grace's apartment had been burglarized, she moved in with Will.  The trouble was, Jack had "temporarily" moved in as well.  Having two such roommates was driving Will crazy and this was the breaking point......

(WILL is watching TV on the TV room couch when JACK runs in, grabs the remote, and changes the channel.)

WILL: 

What are-- What are you doing?

JACK: 

It's "Behind the Music" with Mariah Scarey.

WILL: 

I am right in the middle of "Rumpole of the Bailey." Don't just grab the remote!

JACK: 

I'm sorry. It was very wrong of me. 

[JACK PULLS A REMOTE CONTROL OUT OF THE COUCH CUSHIONS AND SWITCHES THE CHANNEL]

WILL: 

What?! Where did you get that?

JACK: 

Ooh, look! This is the part where Mariah pretends not to hate Whitney.

WILL: 

Give me that! [WILL GRABS THE REMOTE FROM JACK AND CHANGES THE CHANNEL] We are going to watch "Rumpole of the Bailey."

GRACE: 

Out of my way! Out of my way!  They're reattaching a woman's scalp on The Learning Channel!  Put it on!

JACK: 

Sorry, Grace. Will's watching "Bunghole up my Mainly."

WILL: 

It is "Rumpole of the Bailey," and seeing as I have the remotes, that's what we're watching.

[GRACE GRABS A REMOTE OUT OF THE COUCH AND SWITCHES THE CHANNEL]

WILL: 

Grace! You've seen this thing, like, 5 times.

GRACE: 

I know, but it's hard to watch the whole thing. Each time I watch, I see a little-- [REACTING TO THE TV] Whoa!

WILL AND JACK: [REACTING TO THE TV] 

Oh!

WILL: 

No, no! We are watching this!

JACK: [CHANGING THE CHANNEL] 

Mariah!

WILL: [CHANGING THE CHANNEL] 

Rumpole!

~~~~~~~~

Nan knew just how Will felt.....

'THE CAFE'
"OUT WITH THE OLD"

"Leave me alone to enjoy my Rumpole."

Mary "Nan" Ellis

'The Cafe'

[A pile of books was donated to Cyril's Cafe in Weston, including a gardening book by Alan Titchmarsh and several volumes of stories about "Rumpole Of The Bailey".]

Horace Rumpole (as well as his twin brother known as Number Two and their younger sister Mrs. Warbus) share the same TV dimension as Will Truman and the patrons of Cyril's.  So the splainin for this potential Zonk is that old stand-by - biographies.

John Mortimer chronicled the life and career of Horace Rumpole as a barrister.  What we saw on our screens were not re-enactments of Rumpole's life, but that actual life played out which Mortimer then wrote up in a series of books (much in the same way Dr. Watson fictionalized the life of his friend Sherlock Holmes.)  

As it is resignedly accepted at Toobworld Central that eventually everybody in that world will have a TV show made about them, these stories were then dramatized for television.  Here in the real world, people have had TV shows made of their lives while they were still alive - Jerry Seinfeld, James Van Der Beek, and David Toma.  So in Toobworld, Rumpole could be added to that mix.  

These are the only two TV series I've found which make references to 'Rumpole Of The Bailey' and neither one is very specific on details.  For alls I know, Horace Rumpole might be played by a different actor other than Leo McKern in the TV show within a TV show.  

What would be great is if that actor was a fictional one to be found only in the TV Universe!

I would have suggested Larry Summers who starred in 'Pulaski'.  His show was on the air over twenty years ago, and he should look the part by now.  But then, he was an American working in a British TV show.  And the meta-televersion of Rumpole should be English through and through.  Not that it probably matters - the way he drank, Larry Summers is likely dead by now.

So instead I'm going to suggest Alex Conway, the star of ITV's 'Eddie Weary' back in the late 1980s.  Twenty-three years on since he was last seen on the TV, Conway should be perfect for the Rumpole role....

SHOWS & TV MOVIES CITED:

• 'Rumpole Of The Bailey'
• 'Will & Grace'
• 'The Cafe'
• 'Pulaski The TV Detective'
• "The World Of Eddie Weary"
• 'The Prisoner'
• 'Inspector Morse'
• 'Seinfeld'
• 'Toma'
• 'Don't Trust The Bitch In Apartment 23'

BCnU!

THE HAT SQUAD ON TUESDAY NEWS DAY: REMEMBERING BRUCE MORTON

Death has been awfully busy these last two months when it comes to celebrities.  (I realize It is even busier when it comes to the general population of this old world.)  Outside of a few 'Sesame Street' videos, I haven't even marked the passing of Robin Williams.  Not that I didn't try - I wrote a piece about his breakthrough character of Mork from Ork and how 'Mork & Mindy' could never get a reunion special or TV movie without a major recasting.  But just as I was finishing it up, I hit a key that erased it all from the screen.  And I'm not one who enjoys rewriting from scratch; the creative spark is gone.

There are a few deaths I do wish to give a tip of the Hat Squad to: Denny Miller, Richard Kiel, Angus Lennie because of some interesting televisiological point about them... and I do plan on revisiting that Mork post in honor of Williams.  But those are all about the characters they played and not the men themselves.  

There is another, however, who was known more for his own contributions to television, a broadcasting legend in the field of news reporting.  Bruce Morton made his mark during the time when CBS was the gold standard for television news reportage, a class act in the field and in the studio.  (He would later go on to continue his fine work with CNN.)

But I don't know what I could say without sounding maudlin or simplistic with platitudes or just stating the facts:

• Joined CBS in 1964 after working for ABC news
• Six time Emmy winner, including one for his coverage of the William Calley court martial
• 29 years with CBS, 13 with CNN
• Anchored the CBS Morning News beginning in 1975
• Highlights would include his work reporting on elections and the space program

Instead I'll just share these comments from my brother Bill, a newspaper editor in Connecticut:

I cried a little bit over this one. He was one of my faves. Always right on. Rather recognized his talent and had him at his elbow for elections. 

Of course Fox News reported him as being a blatant liberal. Well, badge of honor in my book. CBS was the Roman Empire of broadcast journalism once and Bruce Morton was one of its best centurions. 

The only thing I can contribute is my usual salute......

Good night and may God bless.

LITTLE BIG SCREEN - THE NEXT BATMAN

"I'm scared of the big things:
Cancer, terrorism....
Ben Affleck being a lousy Batman."
Johnny
'Sirens'

Everybody on Earth Prime-Time knew about the "Caped Crusader" of Gotham City by 2014.  By that time he had been retired from the crime-fighting game and his secret identity of Bruce Wayne was no longer a secret.  

Even before he had hung up his cowl and cape, Batman had a TV show produced about him, probably by the secret organization known as UNReel, in order to maintain some semblance of plausible deniability.  Because of this, people knew about the Batcave and the Batmobile, the Bat signal and the many Bat-climbs.

This TV show, similar to the one available in the Trueniverse, also starred Adam West as the Batman.

After he retired as Batman, Bruce Wayne sold the rights to his life story to Hollywood.  So after the 1970s, any mention of Batman by other TV characters probably is a reference to the movie versions, unless otherwise specified as being about Adam West.

The Bruce Waynes from the movies were the same as in the Trueniverse movies - Michael Keaton, George Clooney, Val Kilmer, Christian Bale, and now thanks to Johnny  we have confirmation that Toobworld will also have a movie starring Ben Affleck as the Batman.....

BCnU, Boys (and Girls) Wonder!

LITTLE BIG SCREEN - "HIS KIND OF WOMAN", MY KIND OF TV TRIVIA

'The Mod Squad'

"A Time For Hyacinths"

On her first night at a beachside cottage for a recuperative vacation, Julie Barnes was watching an old movie on TV.  Although she didn't know it at first, the actor in the film with the rifle was the same man who arranged for her to rent that cottage; his name was Castor.  Later she would meet - or think she met - the other actor, John Wentworth.

 

Actually, the movie seen was a clip from "His Kind Of Woman", a film noir from 1951 (the same year in which John Wentworth supposedly died.)  It starred Robert Mitchum, Jane Russell, Vincent Price, Charles McGraw, Tim Holt, and Raymond Burr, with supporting help from Jim Backus and Phil Van Zandt (a Stooges ensemble player).  Also in the cast were plenty of great character actors: Tol Avery, King Donovan, Anthony Caruso, Robert Cornthwaite, Paul Frees (the man of 1000 voices), Charles Horvath, Mickey Simpson, Peter Brocco, and Mamie Van Doren.  Plus Mike Lally - the actor who appeared in more 'Columbo' episodes than any other actor (excluding Peter Falk!)

It is unknown if "His Kind Of Woman" actually exists in Toobworld.  These clips were the only time the film was referenced in a fictional setting, and as I mentioned, they were supposed to be from a movie to be found only in Toobworld.  Actors like Mitchum, Holt, and Backus probably had nothing to do with this production.  

Standing on its own, it would appear that the character played by Vincent Price was the good guy and McGraw's Castor (playing Tompkins) was the bad guy.  In "His Kind Of Woman", McGraw was one of Raymond Burr's henchmen and apparently the narrator of the movie.  (Dying remembrance?  Confession to the cops?)  Vincent Price was Mark Cardigan, a Hollywood actor and Jane Russell's lover... until Mitchum shows up.

BCnU!