CEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER
[FOR BUD LIGHT]
The Ced-man cancelled himself out with two Bud Light commercials. The first one about his desert island daydream/nightmare wasn't so much sexist as it was disturbing. In his revised dream, he was relaxing on a desert island with a grill and a tan Labrador retriever.
Considering that his first daydream with the two babes was sexually oriented, I couldn't help but wonder what that poor dog would have to endure before being put out of its misery as hot dogs.
But the second one was better, and made a believable scenario for the sitcom way of life as espoused on UPN. Cedric is using hand signals to tell somebody on the other side of a dance floor that he can't drink Bud Lights that night because he was the designated driver. Pretty soon all of the dancers have picked up on his moves and are busting a groove by doing the Designated Driver Dance.
In my book, anything that makes the Designated Driver cool is A-OK.
[FOR LAY'S CHIPS]
Remember what I said about celebrities being so desperate to reclaim their stardom that they would sink to any level of ridicule in these commercials? Didn't Hammer realize the audience would be cheering for him to be thrown back over the fence? He's gone from "Can't Touch This" to "Catch And Release".
And who would have guessed that the scariest thing on TV that night would be Hammer's pants?
The people who make commercials try their best, but they sometimes just can't equal Nostradamus for predicting the future. At the time this ad was made, it must have seemed like a good idea to hire the Virgin Airways billionaire - and certainly less expensive than luring the Donald.
But 'The Billionaire' went belly-up and all this blipvert accomplished was to add to Branson's Toobworld life (which also included a cameo on 'Friends'.)
I doubt there's any great clamor to find out whether Branson survived his spaceship's re-entry, but it would have made for a great tagline: "Should've Used The Volvo"......
Maybe this kid is a phenom on the basketball court; I wouldn't know as I'm not a fan of the game. But it takes more than skill to make it as an advertising spokesman; you need a distinct, telegenic personality.
Michael Jordan had it in spades. Charles Barkley comes close. They keep trying with Shaq, but I think that's a lost cause.
Lebron comes off looking smug and too cool for the room; not exactly a selling point. And even then, his face is covered in gum too quickly - he hasn't been around long enough to be instantly recognizable.
I think this blipvert was only fifteen seconds long, but even that made me feel it was trying to sell Eternity by Calvin Klein.
SHAQUILLE O'NEAL, KID ROCK, CHRISTINA AGUILERA, BILLY BUSH, OTHERS
There's another celebrity fad out there besides driving Diet Pepsi trucks - getting shrunk down to six inches in height.
It might have been done to promote Verizon's technology, but it had to be the machinery of the infamous Dr. Shrinker which accomplished the deed.
The ad put me in mind of the long-running 'Celebrity Jeopardy' sketch on 'Saturday Night Live'. No matter which celebrities were being lampooned (and Sean Connery was a constant), the premise remained the same: celebrities are stupid.
And trying to live life at six inches tall is the perfect way to show it. Maybe somebody adapted that 'Twilight Zone' formula to shrink all the evil people so that it worked on stupid celebrities instead.
MIKE DITKA, WILLIAM PERRY, JIM McMAHON, DENNIS RODMAN
[FOR DIANA PEARL]
There had to be some reason the theme of former Chicago footballers proclaiming themselves as Diana Pearl rather than as Da Bears was interrupted by the presence of Dennis Rodman.
Perhaps it was all part of the eventual alien invasion by Rodman's people. It was established on an episode of 'Third Rock From The Sun' that Rodman was an alien that only appeared to be human... and with every new sighting of the former basketball player, it's obvious he's losing that ability.
I'm just hoping Rodman didn't agree to pose nude in that tub o' bubbles just to cement his place in the TV Crossover Hall of Fame. Ugh!
Trust me, you freak, - with 'Third Rock', 'Double Rush', and 'Baywatch' (among others), you're already in!
And I guess we have you to blame for making sure 'Listen Up!' became part of Toobworld......
I've seen a lot of strange things happen to celebrities in Toobworld. And I'd say Gladys Knight as a rugby player would have topped them all - if it hadn't been for the late Lloyd Bridges as his own cross-dressing, cursing, kleptomaniac Neo-Nazi self on 'Ned & Stacey'.
But nice try, Gladys. Seeing you on the pitch was a pip!
Even those celebs whose commercials were banned from the Super Bowl aren't that lucky to escape my perusal......
Rooney's bare bootie. That should be 'nuff said. But do a Google image search for the words "Mickey Rooney Airborne" and check out that lump in the middle of his chest.
That's what people should be concerned about, not his less than Golden Age of Hollywood heinie. It looks like the Alien is about to burst out of his sternum!
[FOR BUD LIGHT]
She didn't have to even show up to have an impact on this year's Super Bowl. And not even the commercial got air time during the game. But, like the Airborne ad mentioned above, the ad still got broadcast during a report on 'Good Morning, America' and so it has been given life on Toobworld.
With this blipvert, History was altered to create yet another difference between Toobworld and the Real World. We went behind the scenes backstage at the 2004 Super Bowl to learn the real splainin as to why Janet had a wardrobe malfunction. Blame it on a techie who used her costume to pop open a bottle of Bud Light!
I would've thought the metallic nipple collar would have worked far better as a church key........