AULD LANG ZONK

'MY FAMILY', 'THE SOPRANOS'

This will be my last post of the year, as I'll be away from Toobworld Central for the day tomorrow. So I thought I'd take this moment to dismantle one last Zonk threat to the integrity of the TV Universe....

SUSAN HARPER:
"You're a suburban dentist, not Tony Soprano."
BEN HARPER:
"We both kill people."
'My Family'

For the benefit of the audience viewing at home, that was meant to be just a joke reference to HBO's 'The Sopranos', which I guess has found a home on British TV. But within their own reality, Tony Soprano is a real American mobster who has gained fame - and infamy! - not just in New Jersey, but in England as well.

This shouldn't be a surprise, as American gangsters, both real and imagined, have long held the attention of the world. I'll bet that even in Calcutta, people know of Al Capone, Don Corleone, and John Gotti.

So why not Tony Soprano? He's certainly gaining more notoriety even as he tries to maintain a low profile behind the scenes in the mob. But after being shot and nearly murdered by his uncle Corrado Soprano, Tony's story was broadcast as news and probably transmitted across the wires to be picked up by news services all around the globe, if they desired.

Therefore, Ben and Susan Harper would have heard of Tony Soprano and his reputation as a mobster, and so both of them were able to play off of that.

And therefore, no Zonk!

Happy New Year!

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

THE TOOBITS OF 2006

It's the end of the year as we view it, and time once again to present the Toobits!

The Toobits are my little awards for those achievements that best represented the TV Universe.

These are not meant to be seen necessarily as the best in quality when it comes to direction, acting or their scripts. I'll leave that to other end-of-the-year lists and awards. The Toobits celebrate those characters and programs that helped to expand and connect the TV Universe. The show could be total drek (and I don't think any of my choices fall into that category, really - well, not totally), but if they can keep the Great Link thrumming then they're just as worthy as anything written by an up-and-coming Paddy Chayevsky.

Last year I disqualified a lot of shows that came over from England because they were from years earlier; they just didn't get seen here in the U.S. in time for qualifying for 2005. Since then I realized that I would always be discriminating against some high quality productions that have provided marvelous material for Toobworld.

So instead, this year the only qualification is that it had to debut on American screens in 2006, since I am the only arbiter when it comes to the choices. I accept that those imported programs will have occurred in Toobworld history at an earlier date, but I'm dealing with a personal, Real World timeline when it comes to judging them.

So "Casanova" and 'Murder City' and the 'Jericho' starring Robert Lindsey could be considered, even though they were produced and shown in Great Britain earlier than 2006. ("Casanova" and 'Jericho' obviously would have to be placed far earlier on the Toobworld timeline anyway.)

Several categories from last year have been dropped; others have been added. The Toobits will always be in flux, depending on the needs of that year.

So with all that out of the way, here's a review of the best new shows and characters (no reruns!) serving the greater glory of Toobworld in 2006: Some of these should be o'bvious as to why I chose them, but for many of the categories I have added my two bits about the Toobits.

Sorry about that, Chief. Couldn't resist.

By the way, there is a spoiler in here for the American audiences. I'll give you fair warning to look away when the time comes......

BEST NEW TV SERIES
COMEDY: '30 Rock'
Being set in the televersion of NBC, rather than some fake TV network, '30 Rock' has already taken advantage of a guest appearance by Cousin Conan. I'd be surprised if NBC's indomitable workhorse, Jay Leno, doesn't eventually show up in the hallways of 'The Girlie Show'. Or maybe even Lorne Michaels! And it's a great show for plugging other NBC shows - they already did a fantastic job for the GE trivection oven!
DRAMA: 'Heroes'
It didn't take them long to make an actual crossover - with 'Las Vegas' via the Montecito. I'll be curious to see what other shows may be in store for a ride on this phenom's coat-tails. ('Scrubs' might even jump on the bandwagon. And Masi Oka's appearance on 'Studio 60' will be just cross-promotional, not a crossover.)

Runners-up: 'Kyle XY' & 'Eureka'

BEST TV MOVIE
"Casanova"
David Tennant has a sensibility that seems to say "I know I'm not the real Casanova, I am the legend." And even then, he knows he's the legend for the TV Universe.

BEST MINI-SERIES
'The Lost Room'
After six hours, there were still nearly 100 objects we never got to see from that motel room.

Or did we, but in some other show?

Think of all those magical objects we've seen in shows like 'The Twilight Zone' or 'Friday The Thirteenth - The Series': shoes, a stopwatch, a radio, a diary. Could they have been present at the event of May 4th, 1961? And where else might we find some of these objects? Could Van Stratten ('Doctor Who' - "Dalek") be a Collector? Could one of the objects have crossed the ocean and found itself tucked away in the warrens of 'Torchwood'?

BEST IMPORT
'Life On Mars'
This will be a finite series, wrapping it all up with the second season. I have no clue as to which direction it will take but don't you wish it's actually happening? I want "The Gene Genie" and sweet Annie Cartwright to be real, dammit!

BEST SERIES FINALE
'The West Wing'
With all the roadblocks against them, from a lack of Aaron Sorkin's input to the death of John Spencer, they were still able to rise above the obstacles and deliver a very moving send-off.

BEST SENSE OF ONE'S OWN HISTORY
'Prime Suspect'
It wasn't just the fact that Jane Tennyson was able to return and wrap up her career in Toobworld. They also brought back an integral character from the show's earlier seasons. Sadly, had they waited, it would have been too late.......

BEST BLEND OF TOOBWORLD AND REAL WORLD HISTORY
"Casanova"
As I mentioned earlier, it gave History the playful sheen of television, which is why I chose it over 'Elizabeth I'.

My only regret - the real-life meeting between Casanova and Ben Franklin was never dramatized. It would have been nice to see Tom Bosley assay the role one last time; not sure who else might have filled his shoes....

Runner-Up: 'Doctor Who' ("Tooth And Claw" & "The Girl In The Fireplace")

BEST SPIN-OFF
'Torchwood'
Some episodes have been a bit off, and the team can be the 21st Century equivalent to 'F Troop' at times. But it's always been gripping, since we know no one is safe. And it's one spin-off that isn't just a carbon copy of the show that spawned it. Even with references back to 'Doctor Who', 'Torchwood' has gone off on its own original path.

WORST SPIN-OFF
'Conviction'
They couldn't even bother to stick on the 'Law & Order' prefix. And no good splainin as to how ADA Cabot was back from the protection program.

BEST SERIES REVIVAL
'Cracker'

BEST CROSSOVER
Just a note here - what won me over this year was the lack of blatant promotion for many of the crossovers chosen. They were usually in-jokes, subtle references to other shows.
TIE:
'The Wire' & 'Homicide: Life On The Street'
A mention of Junior Bunk

'Studio 60' & 'Brothers & Sisters'
Kitty works for NBS

'Las Vegas' & 'The Office'
Dunder-Mifflin had a conference at the Montecito

'The O.C.' & 'Grey's Anatomy'
A character from California was going to work at Seattle Grace

'Heroes' & 'Las Vegas'
Ando and Hiro were at the Montecito

'Boston Legal' & 'Cheers'
Shirley and Ivan had dinner at Melville's restaurant above the bar

WORST CROSSOVER
'Las Vegas' & 'Crossing Jordan'
Too many times to the well for these shows, going way beyond coincidence. But the deciding factor was in broadcasting the second half of a crossover on 'Las Vegas' when 'Crossing Jordan' hasn't even returned to the schedule yet to present the first part!

BEST ADAPTATION FROM ANOTHER UNIVERSE (aka MEDIUM)
'Bleak House'

BEST NEW MALE CHARACTER
COMEDY: Jack Donaghy - '30 Rock'
He's dating Condoleeza Rice. His mentor is Jack Welch. He went to Ann Coulter's 60th birthday party. For that one alone - and for making it FACT in the TV Universe - he should be rewarded. Bwahahahaha!
DRAMA: Hiro Nakamura - 'Heroes'
Already he has one crossover under his belt with his visit to the Montecito. Will we eventually see him in the audience at 'TGS with Tracy Jordan'?

Runners-up:
David Swain - 'InJustice'
Kyle - 'Kyle XY'

BEST NEW FEMALE CHARACTER
DRAMA - Kitty Walker, 'Brothers & Sisters'
Sally Field as Nora Walker is the more interesting character, but Kitty works for NBS, which means she links to 'Studio 60'!
COMEDY - Betty Suarez, 'Ugly Betty'

BEST NEW MALE SUPPORTING CHARACTER
COMEDY - Frank Reynolds, 'It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia'
DRAMA - DCI Gene Hunt, 'Life On Mars'

BEST NEW SUPPORTING FEMALE CHARACTER
DRAMA - Thelma, 'Hex'
Even if she can't stay a teen ghost forever, ghosts don't always have to be seen. We could always just hear her voice doing a bit of haunting in another series.....
COMEDY - S.A.R.A.H. (the smart house), 'Eureka'

BEST NEW CAST ENSEMBLE
'Hustle'

BEST NEW GUEST APPEARANCE
Martin Landau - Bob Ryan, 'Entourage'
Frances Sternhagen - Willi Rae Johnson, 'The Closer'

BEST HISTORICAL CHARACTER
Reinette Poisson, Madame de Pompadour ('Doctor Who' - "The Girl In The Fireplace")

BEST LEAGUE OF THEMSELVES APPEARANCE
Sally Kellerman, 'The Minor Accomplishments Of Jackie Woodman'

BEST NEW COMMERCIAL CHARACTER
PC Guy and Mac Guy - Apple Mac

BEST CHARACTER RETURN
Sarah Jane Smith & K9, 'Doctor Who' ("School Reunion")

Others:
Sam Seaborn 'The West Wing'
Dr. Noah Drake, 'General Hospital'
Robert Scorpio, 'General Hospital'
Holly Sutton, 'General Hospital'
Anna Devane, 'General Hospital'
Patch 'Days Of Our Lives'
Kayla 'Days Of Our Lives'
Cassie Newman 'The Young & The Restless'
Jordan Callier, 'The 4400'

BEST NEW TOOBWORLD LOCATION
'Eureka', Oregon

Runners-up:
Elmo, Alaska, 'Men In Trees'
Sunshine Motel, New Mexico, 'The Lost Room'

BEST COMMERCIAL CROSSOVER
Allttel phone service blending TMobile, Verizon, and Sprint

BEST BLEND OF TOOBWORLD AND REAL WORLD CELEBRITY
'So NoTORIous'

BEST NEW MALE VILLAIN
President Charles Logan - '24'

Runner-up: Lincoln Meyer, 'Boston Legal'

BEST NEW FEMALE VILLAIN
Isabelle, 'The 4400'

Runner-up: The Empress of Racnoss, 'Doctor Who': "The Runaway Bride'

BEST LINE

"Drop your weapons!

You are surrounded by armed bastards!"

DCI Gene Hunt

'Life On Mars'

"I don't know what is more disquieting,

the fact that the statue is missing

or that it has four toes."

Sayid Jarrah

'Lost'

Okay, spoiler alert! Best to skip over these next few awards.....


BEST INTRODUCTION OF A CHARACTER
Peter Petrelli, 'Heroes'

BEST EXIT FOR A CHARACTER
Rose Tyler, 'Doctor Who'

BEST DEATH SCENE
Mr. Eko, 'Lost'

Runners-up:
FBI Agent Graham Kelton, 'Vanished'
Suzy Costello, 'Torchwood'
Reasoning for both: No one is safe!

WORST DEATH SCENE
Mr. Eko, 'Lost'
Reasoning: As highly dramatic as it was to see Mr. Eko be battered to death by the smoke monster, we ended up losing one of the most interesting and charismatic characters on TV this season.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT
'Studio 60'
Although the scripts have been getting better, nothing will erase the bad taste in my mouth from episodes 2 through about 5. Aaron Sorkin has the makings for an interesting behind the scenes look at a TV show. What he needs to do now is to let it go, let others write it instead. Otherwise, he's going to stay on his soapbox to get revenge against everybody who's wronged him.

Runner-up: 'The Nine'
The only saving grace to this show was the performance of John Billingsley as Egan Foote. Just for his introductory scene in the bank as he applies for a loan, Mr. Billingsley should get nominated for an Emmy.

So those are the 2006 Toobits. As always with lists like this, somebody might take umbrage at my choices over other candidates. If so, let me know what you thought. I won't change my choices, but I'd still like to hear what you liked/disliked.

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

PS:
The Stage's TV Today has their awards for the most interesting TV characters of the year. They can be found here.

'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS.....

And if all is right with the world, then agents in Hollywood should be ringing up Karen Zautyk in order to buy the rights to the story she wrote about the First Christmas, which was featured in yesterday's edition of the New York Daily News.

Ms. Zautyk is a member of the Daily News editorial staff, and the editorial page featured her bedtime story about a scared little lamb in the manger who came to play a vital role in the life of Baby Jesus.

No, not as chops and kabobs, you sick puppies!

I read "O Little Lamb, Who Made Thee?" and the first notion that came to mind was that it would make for a great holiday special - with classic animation or stop-motion puppetry or even 'Shrek'-like computer animation.

"O Little Lamb Of Bethlehem" would make for a great title. And there would be some choice voice-over roles to be found among the other animals in the manger for a few stars with recognizable voices.

Hopefully, the Daily News will see fit to run this story every year, so that it will gain classic status. But in the meantime, if you wish to read it for yourselves, click here.

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

"It's Christmas, Toby...."
Dwight Schrute
'The Office'

Yes. Yes, it is.....

When there's holly in the halls,
And the wreath's upon the wall,
When the night is filled with fallen snow...
And the candles are set forth
And the star shines in the north,
Upon a quiet world below...

Then you know it's Christmas time,
By the laughter everywhere...
Then you know it's Christmas time,
By the magic in the air.

When a tree is brought inside,
With its branches spreading wide,
Fresh from summer sun, and winter snow...
When it shimmers silver bright
With tiny stars of light,
When it's hung with bells and balls and bows...

Then you know it's Christmas time,
By the laughter everywhere...
Then you know it's Christmas time,
By the magic in the air.

Santa Claus
'The Great Santa Claus Switch'

Written by Jerry Juhl
Music by Joe Raposo
Special thanks to Tough Pigs for the transcription.

Merry Christmas and all the best for 2007 from all of me at Toobworld Central!

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

CHRISTMAS IN TOOBWORLD: DAY TWELVE

LAST MINUTE CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEAS

Well, well, well......

Here it is, Christmas Eve, and you still don't have a gift for that special someone on your list.

Okay. Here's the thing. If you're reading this blog on a regular basis, you can count yourself as a televisiologist. And if that special someone is also a televisiologist, well! Not only are you a very lucky git, but I have just the gift idea that you'll enjoy just as much as they will.

Of course, they won't be getting it in time for Christmas, but hey! You're a televisiologist! Surely you've watched enough TV in your lifetime to have figured out a way to get out of that potential argument!

In the meantime, order the book "Christmas On Television" by Newsday TV columnist and special Christmas episode junkie Diane Werts.

Here's a description of the book from Greenwood Publishing:

Christmas just isn't Christmas without Christmas on TV. Whether it's the made-for-television specials of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "Frosty the Snowman," a "M*A*S*H*" Christmas in Korea, Kramer playing Santa on "Seinfeld," or the annual holiday disaster on "The Simpsons" or "South Park," television's many representations of this beloved holiday have become as essential a part of our holiday season as lights, gifts, or mistletoe. In this entertaining chronicle of television and the Christmas season, former Television Critics Association President Diane Werts weaves discussion of the many programs that have appeared during the holiday season throughout the years with interviews with writers, producers, and stars. Not only are readers given a chance to re-live their favorite holiday moments on TV, but also to gain illuminating cultural insights into the increasingly strong bond that unites these two American traditions.

For more reviews of the book by other TV critics as well as noted TV producer and writer Lee Goldberg, click here:

If I may, I'd like to suggest that you order the book through TV Shows On DVD, so that they might benefit from you supporting their sponsors. That's a great website that really goes the extra mile to find out all the details about the upcoming releases of your favorite shows on DVD.

My only complaint about "Christmas On Television" is that it was outdated as soon as it was published. So long as there are TV shows being produced (which have a life expectancy past thirteen weeks!), there will always be new Christmas episodes expanding the TV Universe in one way or another. (And this book has all those categories neatly assembled!)

I get the feeling that Ms. Werts will update the book again in a few years, as happens with the various TV encyclopediae. In the meantime, she hasn't lost her enthusiasm for the topic since writing the book as she still writes up a complete list of Christmas episodes and where/when to find them - even when they're outside her readers' viewing area. (She urged her readers to find somebody in Philadelphia to tape the vintage episodes - from Jack Benny to Ozzie and Harriet - that were going to be broadcast down there this holiday.)

Okay, guys - you say your special someone isn't that into Television. Well, normally I'd say dump the frakkin' grinch (I didn't actually type "grinch") and find someone who better understands you; someone you can more easily assimilate..

But it's Christmas. Not enough time to really go out and find a replacement for some under-the-mistletoe canoodling. So you better go for broke with what you've got and save the CSI scenario for a later date.

I'm not reporting anything new here - this Christmas gift suggestion has swept the Internet like wildfire in just one week, with even play by play analysis about its creation in the New York Times.

I am, of course, referring to the music video "Dick In A Box" from 'Saturday Night Live'. Let Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake show you exactly how to please that special someone with your personal Yule Log.

You want to wrap a bow around it, that's your business.....

You can find the video uncensored at either nbc.com or at YouTube.com.

Okay, so that's our inaugural Twelve Days of Christmas in Toobworld for 2006. If you enjoyed it half as much as I did in preparing it, then I had twice as much fun as you did. Sounds fair.

So as the Two Ronnies might have said,

It's Merry Christmas from me, and it's Merry Christmas from him.....

Merry Christmas!
Tele-Toby