Wednesday, February 15, 2006


"Crime does not pay - even on Television.
You must have a sponsor."
Alfred Hitchcock
'Alfred Hitchcock Presents'

In one of the last remaining pages of the old Tubeworld Dynamic website, there's a primordial splainin about the TV Universe, featuring my early theories and beliefs.

Among these, there's a splainin about "quantoon physics":

Most of the oddities in the TV Universe can be traced back to the commercials. In less than sixty seconds, a TV ad can wreak havoc on the natural laws of the TV Universe. People can walk up walls, stretch their bodies to grotesque proportions, and shatter the barrier of the Fourth Wall. It's a scientific principle we call "quantoon physics".

And we wouldn't have it any other way. Most times the commercials can be just as entertaining as the programs they sponsor. And in the case of UPN, they can be even more so.

I'm a baaaaaaaaad TV fanboy.......

There were several ads during the Super Bowl that took the slice o' life motif and stretched it like the Official White House stance on domestic wiretapping printed on Silly Putty. The ads for Full Throttle Energy, Emerald Nuts, and 'The Office'-inspired quest for the "Hidden Bud Light", and the installation of the secret fridge for those Bud Lights in the "Man Kitchen" all went over the top for cartoonish behavior.

While watching the ad for Full Throttle Energy drink, something I'll probably never see anywhere else but in a commercial, I found myself wondering:

If these guys all have the energy to drop what they're doing and chase after this truck with the giant Full Throttle Energy can on its back, then what do they need the drink for in the first place?

I was suspicious. What exactly IS this stuff? Maybe it actually is "The Stuff" (from a pretty obscure Larry Cohen movie). Or maybe it's the live action equivalent of Slurm from the Year 3000, found in 'Futurama' over in the Tooniverse. Only out of whose butt are they getting the squeezin's?

Forget Michelob Amber; I think this is Soylent Amber!!!!

When I saw the Eagle-Eyed Machete Enthusiasts Recognize A Little Druid Networking Under The Stairs, it only made me shrug. It was just the long-playing version of the Emerald Nuts acronyms that we've seen before in the back alleys of Toobworld. They'd probably be more at home in the TV Sketch dimension, mixing right in with the Widettes, Doug and Debbie Whiner, and the guy who went around squishing your head.....

Picture the staff in the Scranton offices of Dunder-Mifflin (or my personal favorite - Upton/Weber) infected by the Rage plague of "28 Days Later". That's the visual you get when these office drones go boogatz looking for the hidden bottles of Bud Light.

Not too far out of the realm of possibility in the TV Universe, but as it is with puppets and most human beings in Toobworld, you wouldn't want to attempt meshing the commercial seamlessly into a scene from the movie "Office Space". (Which to my mind belongs in the TV Universe!)

Hopefully the blipvert for the "Hidden Fridge" sped by quickly for other viewers. That way they never had the time to think about how that guy was able to build a secret panel into the wall to hide his refridgerator from the soon-to-arrive football fans, and yet never realize that there was another apartment on the other side.

For that matter, those dunder-heads in the other apartment should have figured out why they were connected. Me, I was just wonderin' if that apartment came with a two-way medicine cabinet as well as a man-kitchen!

But none reached the apex of "quantoon physics" like the slice o' life seen in that quaint little village of Stunt City, which was featured in the blipvert for Degree deoderant. That location probably can only be found inside the borders of TV-L.A. County, not far from Hollywood and Television City.

Anybody see a white Ford Bronco during that blipvert?

Stay tuned.......


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