AULD LANG ZONK

'MY FAMILY', 'THE SOPRANOS'

This will be my last post of the year, as I'll be away from Toobworld Central for the day tomorrow. So I thought I'd take this moment to dismantle one last Zonk threat to the integrity of the TV Universe....

SUSAN HARPER:
"You're a suburban dentist, not Tony Soprano."
BEN HARPER:
"We both kill people."
'My Family'

For the benefit of the audience viewing at home, that was meant to be just a joke reference to HBO's 'The Sopranos', which I guess has found a home on British TV. But within their own reality, Tony Soprano is a real American mobster who has gained fame - and infamy! - not just in New Jersey, but in England as well.

This shouldn't be a surprise, as American gangsters, both real and imagined, have long held the attention of the world. I'll bet that even in Calcutta, people know of Al Capone, Don Corleone, and John Gotti.

So why not Tony Soprano? He's certainly gaining more notoriety even as he tries to maintain a low profile behind the scenes in the mob. But after being shot and nearly murdered by his uncle Corrado Soprano, Tony's story was broadcast as news and probably transmitted across the wires to be picked up by news services all around the globe, if they desired.

Therefore, Ben and Susan Harper would have heard of Tony Soprano and his reputation as a mobster, and so both of them were able to play off of that.

And therefore, no Zonk!

Happy New Year!

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

THE TOOBITS OF 2006

It's the end of the year as we view it, and time once again to present the Toobits!

The Toobits are my little awards for those achievements that best represented the TV Universe.

These are not meant to be seen necessarily as the best in quality when it comes to direction, acting or their scripts. I'll leave that to other end-of-the-year lists and awards. The Toobits celebrate those characters and programs that helped to expand and connect the TV Universe. The show could be total drek (and I don't think any of my choices fall into that category, really - well, not totally), but if they can keep the Great Link thrumming then they're just as worthy as anything written by an up-and-coming Paddy Chayevsky.

Last year I disqualified a lot of shows that came over from England because they were from years earlier; they just didn't get seen here in the U.S. in time for qualifying for 2005. Since then I realized that I would always be discriminating against some high quality productions that have provided marvelous material for Toobworld.

So instead, this year the only qualification is that it had to debut on American screens in 2006, since I am the only arbiter when it comes to the choices. I accept that those imported programs will have occurred in Toobworld history at an earlier date, but I'm dealing with a personal, Real World timeline when it comes to judging them.

So "Casanova" and 'Murder City' and the 'Jericho' starring Robert Lindsey could be considered, even though they were produced and shown in Great Britain earlier than 2006. ("Casanova" and 'Jericho' obviously would have to be placed far earlier on the Toobworld timeline anyway.)

Several categories from last year have been dropped; others have been added. The Toobits will always be in flux, depending on the needs of that year.

So with all that out of the way, here's a review of the best new shows and characters (no reruns!) serving the greater glory of Toobworld in 2006: Some of these should be o'bvious as to why I chose them, but for many of the categories I have added my two bits about the Toobits.

Sorry about that, Chief. Couldn't resist.

By the way, there is a spoiler in here for the American audiences. I'll give you fair warning to look away when the time comes......

BEST NEW TV SERIES
COMEDY: '30 Rock'
Being set in the televersion of NBC, rather than some fake TV network, '30 Rock' has already taken advantage of a guest appearance by Cousin Conan. I'd be surprised if NBC's indomitable workhorse, Jay Leno, doesn't eventually show up in the hallways of 'The Girlie Show'. Or maybe even Lorne Michaels! And it's a great show for plugging other NBC shows - they already did a fantastic job for the GE trivection oven!
DRAMA: 'Heroes'
It didn't take them long to make an actual crossover - with 'Las Vegas' via the Montecito. I'll be curious to see what other shows may be in store for a ride on this phenom's coat-tails. ('Scrubs' might even jump on the bandwagon. And Masi Oka's appearance on 'Studio 60' will be just cross-promotional, not a crossover.)

Runners-up: 'Kyle XY' & 'Eureka'

BEST TV MOVIE
"Casanova"
David Tennant has a sensibility that seems to say "I know I'm not the real Casanova, I am the legend." And even then, he knows he's the legend for the TV Universe.

BEST MINI-SERIES
'The Lost Room'
After six hours, there were still nearly 100 objects we never got to see from that motel room.

Or did we, but in some other show?

Think of all those magical objects we've seen in shows like 'The Twilight Zone' or 'Friday The Thirteenth - The Series': shoes, a stopwatch, a radio, a diary. Could they have been present at the event of May 4th, 1961? And where else might we find some of these objects? Could Van Stratten ('Doctor Who' - "Dalek") be a Collector? Could one of the objects have crossed the ocean and found itself tucked away in the warrens of 'Torchwood'?

BEST IMPORT
'Life On Mars'
This will be a finite series, wrapping it all up with the second season. I have no clue as to which direction it will take but don't you wish it's actually happening? I want "The Gene Genie" and sweet Annie Cartwright to be real, dammit!

BEST SERIES FINALE
'The West Wing'
With all the roadblocks against them, from a lack of Aaron Sorkin's input to the death of John Spencer, they were still able to rise above the obstacles and deliver a very moving send-off.

BEST SENSE OF ONE'S OWN HISTORY
'Prime Suspect'
It wasn't just the fact that Jane Tennyson was able to return and wrap up her career in Toobworld. They also brought back an integral character from the show's earlier seasons. Sadly, had they waited, it would have been too late.......

BEST BLEND OF TOOBWORLD AND REAL WORLD HISTORY
"Casanova"
As I mentioned earlier, it gave History the playful sheen of television, which is why I chose it over 'Elizabeth I'.

My only regret - the real-life meeting between Casanova and Ben Franklin was never dramatized. It would have been nice to see Tom Bosley assay the role one last time; not sure who else might have filled his shoes....

Runner-Up: 'Doctor Who' ("Tooth And Claw" & "The Girl In The Fireplace")

BEST SPIN-OFF
'Torchwood'
Some episodes have been a bit off, and the team can be the 21st Century equivalent to 'F Troop' at times. But it's always been gripping, since we know no one is safe. And it's one spin-off that isn't just a carbon copy of the show that spawned it. Even with references back to 'Doctor Who', 'Torchwood' has gone off on its own original path.

WORST SPIN-OFF
'Conviction'
They couldn't even bother to stick on the 'Law & Order' prefix. And no good splainin as to how ADA Cabot was back from the protection program.

BEST SERIES REVIVAL
'Cracker'

BEST CROSSOVER
Just a note here - what won me over this year was the lack of blatant promotion for many of the crossovers chosen. They were usually in-jokes, subtle references to other shows.
TIE:
'The Wire' & 'Homicide: Life On The Street'
A mention of Junior Bunk

'Studio 60' & 'Brothers & Sisters'
Kitty works for NBS

'Las Vegas' & 'The Office'
Dunder-Mifflin had a conference at the Montecito

'The O.C.' & 'Grey's Anatomy'
A character from California was going to work at Seattle Grace

'Heroes' & 'Las Vegas'
Ando and Hiro were at the Montecito

'Boston Legal' & 'Cheers'
Shirley and Ivan had dinner at Melville's restaurant above the bar

WORST CROSSOVER
'Las Vegas' & 'Crossing Jordan'
Too many times to the well for these shows, going way beyond coincidence. But the deciding factor was in broadcasting the second half of a crossover on 'Las Vegas' when 'Crossing Jordan' hasn't even returned to the schedule yet to present the first part!

BEST ADAPTATION FROM ANOTHER UNIVERSE (aka MEDIUM)
'Bleak House'

BEST NEW MALE CHARACTER
COMEDY: Jack Donaghy - '30 Rock'
He's dating Condoleeza Rice. His mentor is Jack Welch. He went to Ann Coulter's 60th birthday party. For that one alone - and for making it FACT in the TV Universe - he should be rewarded. Bwahahahaha!
DRAMA: Hiro Nakamura - 'Heroes'
Already he has one crossover under his belt with his visit to the Montecito. Will we eventually see him in the audience at 'TGS with Tracy Jordan'?

Runners-up:
David Swain - 'InJustice'
Kyle - 'Kyle XY'

BEST NEW FEMALE CHARACTER
DRAMA - Kitty Walker, 'Brothers & Sisters'
Sally Field as Nora Walker is the more interesting character, but Kitty works for NBS, which means she links to 'Studio 60'!
COMEDY - Betty Suarez, 'Ugly Betty'

BEST NEW MALE SUPPORTING CHARACTER
COMEDY - Frank Reynolds, 'It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia'
DRAMA - DCI Gene Hunt, 'Life On Mars'

BEST NEW SUPPORTING FEMALE CHARACTER
DRAMA - Thelma, 'Hex'
Even if she can't stay a teen ghost forever, ghosts don't always have to be seen. We could always just hear her voice doing a bit of haunting in another series.....
COMEDY - S.A.R.A.H. (the smart house), 'Eureka'

BEST NEW CAST ENSEMBLE
'Hustle'

BEST NEW GUEST APPEARANCE
Martin Landau - Bob Ryan, 'Entourage'
Frances Sternhagen - Willi Rae Johnson, 'The Closer'

BEST HISTORICAL CHARACTER
Reinette Poisson, Madame de Pompadour ('Doctor Who' - "The Girl In The Fireplace")

BEST LEAGUE OF THEMSELVES APPEARANCE
Sally Kellerman, 'The Minor Accomplishments Of Jackie Woodman'

BEST NEW COMMERCIAL CHARACTER
PC Guy and Mac Guy - Apple Mac

BEST CHARACTER RETURN
Sarah Jane Smith & K9, 'Doctor Who' ("School Reunion")

Others:
Sam Seaborn 'The West Wing'
Dr. Noah Drake, 'General Hospital'
Robert Scorpio, 'General Hospital'
Holly Sutton, 'General Hospital'
Anna Devane, 'General Hospital'
Patch 'Days Of Our Lives'
Kayla 'Days Of Our Lives'
Cassie Newman 'The Young & The Restless'
Jordan Callier, 'The 4400'

BEST NEW TOOBWORLD LOCATION
'Eureka', Oregon

Runners-up:
Elmo, Alaska, 'Men In Trees'
Sunshine Motel, New Mexico, 'The Lost Room'

BEST COMMERCIAL CROSSOVER
Allttel phone service blending TMobile, Verizon, and Sprint

BEST BLEND OF TOOBWORLD AND REAL WORLD CELEBRITY
'So NoTORIous'

BEST NEW MALE VILLAIN
President Charles Logan - '24'

Runner-up: Lincoln Meyer, 'Boston Legal'

BEST NEW FEMALE VILLAIN
Isabelle, 'The 4400'

Runner-up: The Empress of Racnoss, 'Doctor Who': "The Runaway Bride'

BEST LINE

"Drop your weapons!

You are surrounded by armed bastards!"

DCI Gene Hunt

'Life On Mars'

"I don't know what is more disquieting,

the fact that the statue is missing

or that it has four toes."

Sayid Jarrah

'Lost'

Okay, spoiler alert! Best to skip over these next few awards.....


BEST INTRODUCTION OF A CHARACTER
Peter Petrelli, 'Heroes'

BEST EXIT FOR A CHARACTER
Rose Tyler, 'Doctor Who'

BEST DEATH SCENE
Mr. Eko, 'Lost'

Runners-up:
FBI Agent Graham Kelton, 'Vanished'
Suzy Costello, 'Torchwood'
Reasoning for both: No one is safe!

WORST DEATH SCENE
Mr. Eko, 'Lost'
Reasoning: As highly dramatic as it was to see Mr. Eko be battered to death by the smoke monster, we ended up losing one of the most interesting and charismatic characters on TV this season.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT
'Studio 60'
Although the scripts have been getting better, nothing will erase the bad taste in my mouth from episodes 2 through about 5. Aaron Sorkin has the makings for an interesting behind the scenes look at a TV show. What he needs to do now is to let it go, let others write it instead. Otherwise, he's going to stay on his soapbox to get revenge against everybody who's wronged him.

Runner-up: 'The Nine'
The only saving grace to this show was the performance of John Billingsley as Egan Foote. Just for his introductory scene in the bank as he applies for a loan, Mr. Billingsley should get nominated for an Emmy.

So those are the 2006 Toobits. As always with lists like this, somebody might take umbrage at my choices over other candidates. If so, let me know what you thought. I won't change my choices, but I'd still like to hear what you liked/disliked.

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

PS:
The Stage's TV Today has their awards for the most interesting TV characters of the year. They can be found here.

'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS.....

And if all is right with the world, then agents in Hollywood should be ringing up Karen Zautyk in order to buy the rights to the story she wrote about the First Christmas, which was featured in yesterday's edition of the New York Daily News.

Ms. Zautyk is a member of the Daily News editorial staff, and the editorial page featured her bedtime story about a scared little lamb in the manger who came to play a vital role in the life of Baby Jesus.

No, not as chops and kabobs, you sick puppies!

I read "O Little Lamb, Who Made Thee?" and the first notion that came to mind was that it would make for a great holiday special - with classic animation or stop-motion puppetry or even 'Shrek'-like computer animation.

"O Little Lamb Of Bethlehem" would make for a great title. And there would be some choice voice-over roles to be found among the other animals in the manger for a few stars with recognizable voices.

Hopefully, the Daily News will see fit to run this story every year, so that it will gain classic status. But in the meantime, if you wish to read it for yourselves, click here.

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

"It's Christmas, Toby...."
Dwight Schrute
'The Office'

Yes. Yes, it is.....

When there's holly in the halls,
And the wreath's upon the wall,
When the night is filled with fallen snow...
And the candles are set forth
And the star shines in the north,
Upon a quiet world below...

Then you know it's Christmas time,
By the laughter everywhere...
Then you know it's Christmas time,
By the magic in the air.

When a tree is brought inside,
With its branches spreading wide,
Fresh from summer sun, and winter snow...
When it shimmers silver bright
With tiny stars of light,
When it's hung with bells and balls and bows...

Then you know it's Christmas time,
By the laughter everywhere...
Then you know it's Christmas time,
By the magic in the air.

Santa Claus
'The Great Santa Claus Switch'

Written by Jerry Juhl
Music by Joe Raposo
Special thanks to Tough Pigs for the transcription.

Merry Christmas and all the best for 2007 from all of me at Toobworld Central!

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

CHRISTMAS IN TOOBWORLD: DAY TWELVE

LAST MINUTE CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEAS

Well, well, well......

Here it is, Christmas Eve, and you still don't have a gift for that special someone on your list.

Okay. Here's the thing. If you're reading this blog on a regular basis, you can count yourself as a televisiologist. And if that special someone is also a televisiologist, well! Not only are you a very lucky git, but I have just the gift idea that you'll enjoy just as much as they will.

Of course, they won't be getting it in time for Christmas, but hey! You're a televisiologist! Surely you've watched enough TV in your lifetime to have figured out a way to get out of that potential argument!

In the meantime, order the book "Christmas On Television" by Newsday TV columnist and special Christmas episode junkie Diane Werts.

Here's a description of the book from Greenwood Publishing:

Christmas just isn't Christmas without Christmas on TV. Whether it's the made-for-television specials of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and "Frosty the Snowman," a "M*A*S*H*" Christmas in Korea, Kramer playing Santa on "Seinfeld," or the annual holiday disaster on "The Simpsons" or "South Park," television's many representations of this beloved holiday have become as essential a part of our holiday season as lights, gifts, or mistletoe. In this entertaining chronicle of television and the Christmas season, former Television Critics Association President Diane Werts weaves discussion of the many programs that have appeared during the holiday season throughout the years with interviews with writers, producers, and stars. Not only are readers given a chance to re-live their favorite holiday moments on TV, but also to gain illuminating cultural insights into the increasingly strong bond that unites these two American traditions.

For more reviews of the book by other TV critics as well as noted TV producer and writer Lee Goldberg, click here:

If I may, I'd like to suggest that you order the book through TV Shows On DVD, so that they might benefit from you supporting their sponsors. That's a great website that really goes the extra mile to find out all the details about the upcoming releases of your favorite shows on DVD.

My only complaint about "Christmas On Television" is that it was outdated as soon as it was published. So long as there are TV shows being produced (which have a life expectancy past thirteen weeks!), there will always be new Christmas episodes expanding the TV Universe in one way or another. (And this book has all those categories neatly assembled!)

I get the feeling that Ms. Werts will update the book again in a few years, as happens with the various TV encyclopediae. In the meantime, she hasn't lost her enthusiasm for the topic since writing the book as she still writes up a complete list of Christmas episodes and where/when to find them - even when they're outside her readers' viewing area. (She urged her readers to find somebody in Philadelphia to tape the vintage episodes - from Jack Benny to Ozzie and Harriet - that were going to be broadcast down there this holiday.)

Okay, guys - you say your special someone isn't that into Television. Well, normally I'd say dump the frakkin' grinch (I didn't actually type "grinch") and find someone who better understands you; someone you can more easily assimilate..

But it's Christmas. Not enough time to really go out and find a replacement for some under-the-mistletoe canoodling. So you better go for broke with what you've got and save the CSI scenario for a later date.

I'm not reporting anything new here - this Christmas gift suggestion has swept the Internet like wildfire in just one week, with even play by play analysis about its creation in the New York Times.

I am, of course, referring to the music video "Dick In A Box" from 'Saturday Night Live'. Let Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake show you exactly how to please that special someone with your personal Yule Log.

You want to wrap a bow around it, that's your business.....

You can find the video uncensored at either nbc.com or at YouTube.com.

Okay, so that's our inaugural Twelve Days of Christmas in Toobworld for 2006. If you enjoyed it half as much as I did in preparing it, then I had twice as much fun as you did. Sounds fair.

So as the Two Ronnies might have said,

It's Merry Christmas from me, and it's Merry Christmas from him.....

Merry Christmas!
Tele-Toby

CHRISTMAS IN TOOBWORLD: DAY ELEVEN

"SPENDING" CHRISTMAS WITH SANTA

In Toobworld, the most prevalent source for Santa Claus sightings are in the commercials, the blipverts. I think it's safe to say that Santa has been invoked more often to sell products than Abe Lincoln and George Washington combined.

My tele-buddy Hugh Davis might argue that all of these Santas are the same St. Nick and that they all belong in the "Ad-verse", his coined name for a TV universe that is made up only of TV commercials. Sometimes, there are blipverts that are too difficult to realistically squeeze into the logical confines of the main Toobworld, but for the most part I'd rather keep them all in either Earth Prime-Time or one of its alternate dimensions, rather than a whole new universe like Skitlandia or the Tooniverse. (Otherwise, we'd lose out on all of the characters and the physics-warping attributes those commercials provide.)

For me, the greatest of all the Santa Clauses in TV commercials exists in the alternate dimension where we'd also find Gumby and Pokey, Davey and Goliath, Moral Orel, and all of the characters from 'Robot Chicken' and those Rankin-Bass puppetoons - the clay/stop motion Toobworld.

It's a classic, truly vintage blipvert that has to be up there in the top ten of holiday advertisements: Santa Claus riding downhill on a Norelco triple-headed razor. (One of my favorite Christmas cards which I've sent out over the last few years shows Santa riding the wrong side of the razor!)

Another one that's been popular the last few years shows Santa Claus and the M&M candy guys finally facing each other and realizing that they each exist. Okay, I know I'm a bit of a simpleton, but watching Santa and Red faint because of their encounter never gets old for me.

So far as I'm concerned, this is another example of the main Toobworld Santa Claus, employing yet another disguise in case he met some humans in the house. He just never expected to find a couple of anthropomorphized candy snacks.

For this holiday TV season, there are three commercials featuring Santa Claus which I'd like to examine....

One of these blipverts is for Loew's, the helpful hardware place and we see Santa Claus outside the store examining his list. You can see what's coming long before it happens, as there's a terribly strong wind swirling all about St. Nick. The wind grabs the list out of Santa's hands and blows it away. Luckily a Loew's employee is there to suggest that Santa give out Loew's gift cards instead.

That guy better be getting a major promotion from the home office!

But then again, I don't think that's the real Santa Claus. I would think that a Spirit - practically a demi-god! - like Santa, who could deliver all of the toys in one night and use magic to get into people's houses, would be able to bend the winds to his will and force the list to come floating back to his hands.

I'm thinking that this was just some ordinary Joe who was a bit eccentric; someone who enjoyed doing his Christmas shopping dressed as Santa Claus, to fully celebrate in keeping with the spirit of the season. And when he lost his list, he substituted with the gift cards which would all be charged to his credit card, like any other guy would do.

The other interpretation of Santa Claus is a little more troubling when it comes to a Toobworld overview. Taken on its own, it should be considered warm, tender, and loving: Santa goes shopping for something special for the little lady, and he gets her diamonds. (My memory is shot nowadays, but I'm thinking this was an ad for Kay Jewelers. It might have been for Zayle's....)

In the end, Santa ans his woman are all cozy in their hideaway, and you know he's going to get some good lovin' that night because of his thoughtful gift. Like I said, all warm and tender, right?

Wrong!

Thanks to a TV movie which starred Angela Lansbury and Charles Durning, Mrs. Claus of the main Toobworld must resemble a certain mystery novelist from Cabot Cove, Maine. And I don't think that the Missus shares the same metamorphing ability as her husband.

So although Santa Claus could be the one for the main Toobworld, as played by Charles Durning (but this time in disguise), that wouldn't be Mrs. Claus. That SHOULDN'T be Mrs. Claus!

If this was the main Toobworld, then it looks like Santa is gifting his mistress with a little holiday bling.

Not the image a company would want to foster in Toobworld, even if they cared that such an interpretation of the TV Universe existed.

So here's my proposal - o'bviously, this is a Santa Claus from an alternate dimension. He could still look like Charles Durning, but just happened to still be wearing the visage he assumed to visit the jewelery store at the mall. As for the woman in the advert, she would be Mrs. Claus, but not the same woman to be found in the main Toobworld. Here, the dimension had a divergence based on the choice Santa made when it came to matters of the heart.

Finally, there's yet another blipvert in which I totally forget what the product is. (This may be more the failing of the advertising company to burn the product's name into my memory than it is of my memory itself.)

Santa and one of his elves have been pulled over to the side of the road by a police officer. When Santa can't produce his driver's license or his registration, the commercial warns us that we'll probably be on our own when it comes to providing presents.

I have no problem with this being the Santa Claus of the main Toobworld; and it provides the jolly old elf with a new adventure (albeit 30 seconds in length!) for 2006, to go along with his cameo appearance at the end of the Christmas episode of 'Las Vegas' this year.

We don't learn who the elf is, but he's definitely not Gumdrop, the serlinguistic elf who addresses us from the big red chair in the blipvert for Radio Shack. I don't know who that actor is, but he isn't bad. I could see him assaying the role of one of Dr. Loveless' descendants someday......

(If I find out the names of the sponsors for these blipverts, I'll come back in and edit this piece.)

As Stan Freberg used to sing, Christmas comes but once a year so you better make hay while the snow is falling. So, in keeping with the spirit of this seasonal post, there's only one way to sign off. Instead of my usual "BCnU!", may I just say....

Buy Buy!
Tele-Toby

CHRISTMAS IN TOOBWORLD: DAY TEN

"HO HO HO!
Now, my friends, I will show you
the way the real Santa Claus should look.
Please! As if there was such a person as Santa Claus,
which is of course absolutely ridiculous in a people's democracy!"
Chairman Georgi Koz
'The Man From U.N.C.L.E.'

As mentioned earlier, there have been many incarnations of the "Real" Santa Claus on Television. Many of those to be found in TV series, ('Bewitched', 'Batman', 'Las Vegas', and 'The Love Boat', for example) are all the same St. Nick, but with a different appearance for each occasion.

But there are Santas out there who must find their home at the North Pole of alternate TV dimensions. In this, they are no different from the many portrayals of other historical characters, like John F. Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, and Frankenstein's Monster.

In my second posting for the season, I used Art Carney's interpretation in three different productions as the reason to make his residence in the evil mirror universe. As to where these other Kris Kringles should be located, I'll leave that as a Christmas mystery. The remake dimension? The Jed Bartlet dimension? The dimension where women are the dominant gender? (Well, I have an idea for that one....)

In some of these dimensions, it is the same jolly old elf as has been known since the legend began. Others are recruited, as was Henry Corwin (Carney) in that episode of 'The Twilight Zone'. For still others, it's a family business that eventually is also handed down to the heir apparent, whether that's a Nick or a Nikki.

Here are just some of the alternate versions of Santa Claus.

Santas in need of replacements:
Lloyd Bridges (Santa Claus)
. . . In the Nick of Time (1991) (TV)
Nigel Hawthorne (Nick)
. . . Call Me Claus (2001) (TV)

Santas with offspring:
Matthew Walker (I) (Santa Claus)
. . . Twice Upon a Christmas (2001) (TV)
George Wendt (I) (Santa Claus)
. . . Santa Baby (2006) (TV)
John Wheeler (XI) (Santa Claus)
. . . Meet the Santas (2005) (TV)
. . . Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus (2004) (TV)

Santas with problems:
James Coco (Santa Claus)
. . . Curious Case of Santa Claus, The (1982) (TV)
Harry Frazier (Santa Claus)
. . . Elf Who Saved Christmas, The (1992) (TV)
. . . Elf and the Magic Key, The (1993) (TV)
George Hamilton (I) (Santa Claus)
. . . Too Cool for Christmas (2004) (TV)
John B. Lowe (I) (Santa Claus)
. . . Ultimate Christmas Present, The (2000) (TV)
Leslie Nielsen (Santa Claus)
. . . Santa Who? (2000) (TV)
Dick Van Patten (Santa Claus)
. . . Santa Trap, The (2002) (TV)

This is not a complete list, not by a long shot. I never fully investigated TV characters by the names of "Kris Kringle", "St. Nick", "St. Nicholas", or "Father Christmas". And there are a few Santas who show up in blipverts (the Toobworld word for commercials) who couldn't possibly be THE Santa Claus of Earth Prime-Time.

But more on those guys tomorrow.....

There is another alt. dimension Santa for Toobworld who has not yet had the chance to come into being. In "Checking It Twice", Santa would become separated from his elf with the list and until they are reunited, he can't deliver the toys properly. Writer/Producer Bryce Zabel co-wrote the script and he and his partner have been trying to get this project off the ground for years.

Unfortunately, it looks as though they may have finally faced reality (Ugh!) and accepted that it will never be made for TV. But because of that, they are offering those who may be interested a chance to read the script in PDF format at Bryce's site, "For What It's Worth". (Look for Bryce's name in the links to the left and click that to find the script.)

I harbor no illusions about the power of "Inner Toob", but who knows? Maybe somebody will learn about "Checking It Twice" from reading about it here, and finally make this particular dream come true.

Isn't that what Christmas miracles are all about?

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

CHRISTMAS IN TOOBWORLD: DAY NINE

THE TV UNIVERSE AS WINTER WONDERLAND

TVSquad.com ran a contest to celebrate Festivus, asking its readers to rewrite a Christmas song to reflect our Television obsessions.

Click here if you want to read the winning entry by Liz:

I entered the contest as well, and the song reflects my "big tent" view of Toobworld.

I don't want my entry to die a lonely death in the comments section of the contest post. So to give it some semblance of immortality, I'd like to now present "Living In The TV Universe" (sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"):

LIVING IN THE TV UNIVERSE
*
Killer Bees
Hear them buzzin'
Patty Lane
And her cousin
All of the casts
From shows in the past
Living in the TV Universe!

*

Mister Ed

and the Riddler
And from 'Roots',

there is Fiddler,
Plus all of the folks
From 'Diff'rent Strokes'
Living in the TV Universe!

Hooterville's the place where they can gather
To celebrate the closing of the year
We'll see Beaver Cleaver (Jerry Mathers)
And Floyd the Barber played by H. McNear.

*

Doctor Who,

Bert and Ernie,
Hercules

on his journey
A Sanford named Fred
A Baxter named Ted
Living in the TV Universe!

Archie Bunker argues with the Sleestaks
Jeannie's blinking after Fonzie flirts
Sgt. Friday's looking just for the facts
And Kirk beams down expendable "red-shirts".

*

Emma Peel

and Miss Piggy,
Lennie and

his pal Squiggy
Tossing hats with Mary
It's legen- wait!- dary!
Living in the TV Universe!

Living in the TV Universe....
Living in the TV Universe....

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

CHRISTMAS IN TOOBWORLD: DAY EIGHT

MERRY CHRISTMAS, BABY!
[CINDY LOU WHO AT 42]

Any one of the Iddiots at the Idiot's Delight Digest can tell you that I'm somewhat infamous for "going there" in my posts to the IDD. It's a delicate dance, "Going There And Back Again", and there have been a few times when I've gone too far in what I wrote.

This may be one of those times.......

Except for certain characters in the Tooniverse (that TV Universe for cartoon characters), like the Flintstones, Time has no meaning when it comes to the aging process. There was an episode of 'The Simpsons' in which we learned that Bart was born in 1984, and yet here we are in 2006 and he's still in the third grade.

In the main Toobworld, 'The Prisoner' took place back in the late 1960s, but the pen-and-ink Number Six of the Tooniverse (again, from an episode of 'The Simpsons') looks to be the same age as his flesh-and-blood counterpart from 1967. Batman eventually will retire to be replaced by 'Batman Beyond', but until that happens, the animated Batman we see nowadays is the same Caped Crusader that's been around since before the 'Super Friends'!

This year marks the fortieth anniversary of the animated version of 'How The Grinch Stole Christmas', and for me it has never gotten old. (I still thrill with the race down the side of the mountain, my favorite sequence!) Sadly, here in the Real World Time does march on and we've lost all five of the major players in the creation of this masterpiece - Thurl Ravenscroft, who sang the songs; Albert Hague, who wrote the music; Boris Karloff, who narrated and provided the voice of the Grinch; the legen- wait for it! - dary animator Chuck Jones who brought the production to life; and Theodore Geisel, "Dr. Seuss" himself, who first created this wonderful tale.

As far as I know, only June Foray is still alive. She provided the voice of little Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two. And it is Cindy Lou who is the focus of this Christmas Cracker......

Like I said, Time has no meaning in the Tooniverse for the most part, not even in the microscopic speck of a world where Whoville is located. But if the years passed as they do in the Real World, so much would have changed in the time since we last visited the Whos down in Whoville, the tall and the small.

For instance, Max would have long been dead, perhaps buried in a now-forgotten grave at the base of Mt. Crumpet. The Grinch might still be alive, even though he was already over 70 years old at the time of the story. (He mentions that he's been bothered by the arrival of Christmas to Whoville for over 70 years.) The Grinch was certainly not of the same species as the Whos, and could have been some kind of mythic, immortal creature.

And then there's Cindy Lou Who, the only Who down in Whoville whom we got to know by name. At the time of the story, she would have been no more than two - making her forty-two today, if the story's timeline progressed at the same rate as that in the Real World.

Ah, 42! One of those prime magical numbers in the TV Universe, thanks to 'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy' and 'Lost'. And at 42, Cindy Lou Who would be resplendent in her maturity as a woman, I'm thinking; as beautiful as she may have been 20 years earlier at the age of 22.

I realize I'm projecting what she may look like as an adult, extrapolating from the fleeting images we have of her as a two-year old in the special. (And NO! I'm not into that, you sickos! I'm thinking of her strictly as an adult.) Based on what we saw of the other Whos down in Whoville (I just can't break myself away from typing that phrase!), the odds may have been against her from being considered sexy in human terms.

But it could be that Cindy Lou was some kind of genetic mutation, the progenitor of the next evolutionary step in the development of the Whos. She certainly doesn't look to be descended from the two Whos who appear to be her parents in the special........

So I keep wondering what she may have looked like grown up, and for an animated woman of a certain age, I think she'd still be gorgeous. And I have to confess to something else that would make her adult version sexy to me - a sense of "xenophilia" - that attraction to what is alien.

It's the same sensation I get from T'Pol of 'Enterprise' and Raffalo the plumber (perhaps a Bolian?) from the 'Doctor Who' episode "The End Of The World". Pointy ears and blue skin - who wouldn't find those chicks sexy? Then there's the sultry grey cast to Chiara on 'Farscape', and that prehensile tail of Trace Gemini's in 'Andromeda'. And let's not forget the green-skinned Orion slave girls of 'Star Trek'!

With Cindy Lou Who, it's the insectoid antennae which adds that sexy alien allure. In a way, she reminds me of the character Moonmaid created by Chester Gould for his comic strip 'Dick Tracy'. Back when I was a little kid, at an age when I still thought girls to be "bloopy" (as Will Robinson would say), I found Moonmaid attractive as well.

So, yeah. This is what it has devolved into - lusting after alien babes for Christmas. Once again, I'm "going there" and I'm sure it guarantees me a spot on this year's "Naughty" list.

That's okay. I've been there before; I know my way around.....

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

CHRISTMAS IN TOOBWORLD - DAY SEVEN

THE DARK KNIGHT MEETS THE JOLLY OLD ELF

In the last first-run broadcast of a 'Brothers & Sisters' episode, Cooper Whedon was singing a traditional Christmas favorite.....

Jingle Bells
Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
Batmobile
lost its wheel
and Joker got away
hey!

Yeah... it never gets old.....

What makes it different for young Master Cooper is that he lives in a world where Batman actually exists.

For Earth Prime-Time, Batman fought crime and served the citizens of Gotham City beginning in the mid-1960s. (The cartoon versions all exist in the Tooniverse. 'Birds of Prey', about Batman's daughter and her crime-fighting allies, takes place in an alternate TV dimension, most likely the evil mirror universe.)

That inocuous jingle would then have some basis in "reality" for its origins.

This year marks the fortieth anniversary of the encounter between Batman and Robin with Santa Claus. It was December, 1966 and the Dynamic Duo were doing one of their famous Bat-climbs up the side of a building in pursuit of the minor villain The Puzzler.

Suddenly, when what to their wondering eyes should appear but Santa Claus, who threw open the sash and popped his head out of one of the windows to see what was the matter as they passed by.

Sorry about that, Chief. Got carried away......

We can say for certain that Santa Claus was appearing in yet another of his guises, instead of with his normal visage that makes him look like the actor Charles Durning. Even buried under a rather fulsome white beard, you can tell he was assuming a new incarnation, if just for the voice alone! (A Real World note: Santa Claus was played by character actor Andy Devine, whose uniquely scratchy twang was due to an accident as a child, when he had been running with a stick in his mouth and he scratched his vocal chords.)

It could be that The Minstrel found out about their meeting with Kris Kringle and composed that little ditty as a way of needling the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder. Perhaps their arch-villain The Joker heard about it as it made the rounds of the Gotham City criminal underworld. And if so, of course he would have seen to it that the lyrics were slightly altered so that he would be the one to come out looking good.

Of course, there are other possibilities when it comes to the identity of St. Nick. He may not have been the real Santa Claus, but just a guy dressed up in the red suit for an office party or to give the little children of Gotham City a chance to tell Santa their last minute wishes for Christmas.

Perhaps, being full of the Christmas Spirit (nudge, nudge, wink, wink), he presented himself to Batman and Robin as if he really was Santa Claus. And they, being respectful towards the citizenry of Gotham even if they were inebriated, obligingly played along with the deception.

He could also have been a character we met before in 'The Twilight Zone', by the name of Frisby. He lived in North Carolina, not far from Mayberry of 'The Andy Griffith Show'. (Floyd the Barber's identical cousin lived there. Maybe it was his half-brother - Old Man Lawson must have been a horndog!)

As to why Frisby was up north in Gotham City, dressed as Santa Claus? Well, that would more than likely be the basis for yet another tall tale that would entertain his friends back at the general store. And the fact that he met Batman and Robin would be almost as big a whopper to them as the time when he told them that he was kidnapped by aliens!

Perhaps one of those cracker barrel buddies pulled out his banjo and first played the 'Jingle Bells' parody right there.

Or maybe not.....

There's still one more possible player behind the beard - Andy Devine himself!

Andy Devine was the host of a children's show called 'Andy's Gang' from 1955 to 1960, replacing Smilin' Ed McConnell who passed away in 1954. And like all variety shows, 'Andy's Gang' would also have a counterpart within the TV Universe.

So Smilin' Andy could have been on a promotional tour across the country for the show, which in Toobworld would still be running by 1966. (In the Real World, it went off the air in 1960.) And being "Tis the season", Andy was probably dressed up as Santa Claus for his Gotham City appearance.

When he looked out that window and saw Batman and Robin, he may have been surrounded by the little children, some of whom were probably residents of the Gotham City Orphanage (which by the year 3000 may be known as the Gotham City Orphanarium). Their lives would have been full of enough pain as it was without him breaking character to reveal who he truly was to the Dynamic Duo.

If so, it could be that Batman was able to see inside the room and see kids gathered around and so he willingly played along.

If this had been Andy Devine appearing as Santa Claus for an 'Andy's Gang' promotional tour, then there can be only one culprit as to who thunked up that derisive spoof of 'Jingle Bells' - Andy's co-star Froggy the Gremlin!

It certainly sounds like the kind of mean-spirited and childish doggerel Froggy might have come up with to taunt Andy. Batman and Robin were probably lucky that Froggy didn't plunk his magic twanger to cause their Bat-rope to snap!

Like I said, those are just possibilities. However, this being such a magical season, I think I'll just stick with the simple splainin:

Batman and Robin actually did meet Santa Claus in December of 1966, and that historic encounter became the inspiration for a modern-day "folk song".

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

PS:
If you want to see what Santa Claus looked like when he met Batman and Robin, click here. And then follow the links to the page about the Bat-Climb. [Afterwards, check out the entire site. It's a great salute to the 1966 'Batman TV show!]

Also, Fred Hembeck has a HUGE page of "Santa Heads" (which may take some time loading!), in which there's a comic book representation of a meeting between Batman and Santa Claus. You can find it about 39 rows down......