2014 TOOBITS AWARDS
It's that time of year again, when we all make lists and think back over the past year, in whatever field of interest concerns us, and chronicle the high points and the lows. For the past few years I've been presenting this compilation as an awards show, the Toobits, which of course celebrates my two bits about Toobworld.
As it is with any such list you'll find in TV columns across the country these last few weeks, these are my opinions. You're welcome to your own and I hope you'll share them, but I'm sticking to my weapons of choice. (It could be you won't see something that was a favorite of yours because I just never got around to seeing it. There's only so much time in the world - even for a do-nothing-else-anyway sort like me! - and I've only got the two eyes, even if they do operate independantly of each other at times.)
Unlike the Emmy Awards which will just keep handing out trophies to some shows forever, only shows, characters and what-not that debuted in 2013 can be considered. (And by "debuted", I mean that which I first came in contact with in 2013. It could be a few years old, but if it's my first time seeing it, it's new.)
This one-time-only rule includes characters who have been recast; those are still the same characters who already exist in Toobworld. (But there were a few notable appearances that deserved honorable mention, and they get it.)
So without further ado, let's have at it:
WORST NEW SERIES TITLE
BEST ADVANCEMENT FOR TOOBWORLD
The Ascension space program, 'Ascension'
BEST CLASH BETWEEN TOOBWORLD & THE REAL WORLD'Modern Family' and the California Wildfires
"Best" is a relative term here, but when Cam and Mitchell's wedding was interrupted due to a wildfire, several wildfires were in fact blazing across the area.
MOST TRIVIAL CLASH BETWEEN TOOBWORLD & THE REAL WORLDThe Lakewood Shopper, an Orthodox Jewish newspaper from Lakewood, New Jersey, reported the capture of Mexican cartel leader Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman’s capture.
Instead of using El Chapo’s photo, however, the Shopper used the mug of Luis Guzman, everyone’s favorite actor from the Lower East Side of New York City, known for his roles in “Carlito’s Way” and “How To Make It In America.”
WORST CLASH BETWEEN TOOBWORLD & THE REAL WORLD
Piers Morgan Live
March 10, 2014
9:43 p.m. Eastern
PIERS MORGAN: How do you spend your life when you’re not working? What would be your life here be this week? What will you do?
CHELSEA HANDLER: Well, I am working this week.
MORGAN: After the show, where do you go? What do you do?
HANDLER: Well, I have to come here and tolerate this nonsense and then I have to ...
MORGAN: What is nonsense? It's designed to flag your tawdry book.
HANDLER: I know. I'm going to go do a book signing at Target in Westwood ...
HANDLER: ... and then I go on the road every weekend and perform live stand-up comedy and do book signings and you know, that's it. I'm just -- I'm a workhorse. I'm a workaholic.
MORGAN: You tweet very amusingly.
HANDLER: I wish you did. I mean, in the middle of the commercial break, I want your viewers to know, I mean, they must know because they're probably following you on Twitter. I mean, you can't even pay attention for 60 seconds. You're a terrible interviewer.
MORGAN: Well, you just weren’t keeping my attention. That's more of an issue for you than me.
HANDLER: Well, but that’s not my problem.
MORGAN: What is your problem?
HANDLER: This is your show. You have to pay attention to the guest that you invited on your show.
MORGAN: If they’re interesting enough.
HANDLER: Yeah, listen. It doesn't matter how interesting I am. You signed up for this job.
MORGAN: Of course it does.
HANDLER: Well maybe that's why your job is coming to an end.
WORST TV EXPERIENCE
'The Maya Rudolph Show'
BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT IN A SHOW
Only because I wish it had taken the other path...... (Don't want to spoil it.)
BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT IN A NETWORK
SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE:
ABC NY, you denied the end of "The 10 Commandments" for the late News. You cut off the movie... MY people never made it to the promised land. Moses could not go but they did not get there either.. What's up with that? - Sharon Goldberg
BEST CRITIQUE BY AN ONLINE COMMENTER
This ending is straight out of a fairy tale... "and they lived happily ever after." I definitely prefer the ending written by Bays and Thomas. The problem with their ending is the timing. We get hit with a divorce and a death in minutes and have zero time to grieve, so it's hard to feel happy that Ted and Robin are finally connecting. I understand it would have lost the impact if this had been spread over several episodes, but we would have had time to get used to the idea. I had to keep telling myself, the kids had 6 years to deal with their mothers' death so they aren't being callous because they aren't crying. - Terr DC
WORST ANALYSIS BY AN ONLINE COMMENTER
Alan... I have to say, I'm disappointed your stance has softened with that "It's their show, it's their story," stuff.
In art, and I look at television as an art form, the art never belongs only to the artists, but to their customers, patrons, fans, etc as well.
We invested over 4500 hours of our lives in original viewings. Some of us have purposefully watched the show again and again on Netflix, or when flipping the channels between 4pm an 8pm or 11pm and midnight.
This was OUR show as much as it was there's. And there was an inherent promise they made with this show, which instead of keeping, ripped-away from us with a cheap, tin-eared bait-and-switch maneuver so vile, it would make a used car salesman proud.
As you eloquently stated Monday night, the last nine years of our lives, 24 Mondays a year, was a giant con job by Bays and Thomas.
They do not deserve understanding. They do not deserve empathy.
They deserve derision and they deserve to be called onto the carpet for the horrible decisions they made that absolutely ruined the entirety of this show in perpetuity, and wasted NINE YEARS of all of our lives.
I will do everything I can to make sure no one I know thinks about watching the show on Netflix, and I will actively campaign against How I Met Your Dad and try to ensure it doesn't see a second season if its actually picked-up by CBS.
Bays and Thomas, those sonovabeetches, are dead to me. I'll never watch anything they ever have a hand in creating again.
BEST TELEVISIOLOGICAL ANALYSIS
"And we close on another sort of potential threat to the Lannisters with an extended suspense sequence featuring everyone's favorite buddy team of Arya and the Hound. [Too soon to pitch Maisie Williams and Rory McCann for "True Detective" season 2?]" - Alan Sepinwall
"To confound matters further, there's a show on ABC called "The Returned," also based on a novel. Watch both "The Returned" and "The Leftovers," and you won't know whether you're coming or going." - Ivy Hurley
"Colonel Potter took a bunch of comics out of Radar O’Reilly’s desk, and right on top of the stack was an early Avengers from sixties. Maybe that explains why Radar could hear the casualty choppers before anyone else (hence his nickname). He was actually from the future, having traveled back to the Korean war from the Viet Nam era, bringing his beloved comics with him." - Michael Canfield
HONORARY MENTIONS 'The Murdoch Mysteries' (BEST BLEND OF TOOBWORLD AND REAL WORLD HISTORY)