O'BSERVATIONS: "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES"

Just to warn you... I have a few predictions that will come up near the end of the essay...

I don't watch 'Desperate Housewives' on a regular basis. I only checked in if I knew of a special guest star or a particular plot point in advance: the premiere, Ryan O'Neal as a Rodney (but not THAT Rodney!), the death of Mrs. Huber. That sort of thing.

So I watched the finale for the chance to learn a few secrets, true. But mostly it was because my "twin", Shirley Jordan, played a small role in the opening scene.

Shirley played the nurse at the rehab center in a flashback with Mary Alice Young. She admired the calendar provided by Mrs. Huber's sister which gave Mary Alice the idea about moving to Fairview.

(Don't review your tapes to get an idea of what I look like from scoping out Shirley. Like Joni Mitchell wrote, "We are twins of spirit, no matter which road we take or what we forsake."

You want to see what I look like, go to Quahog, Rhode Island and check out Peter Griffin on 'Family Guy'. ::sigh::)

It makes me laugh now to think that a couple of competing newspapers in Chicago got all snippy with each other over whether or not 'DH' took place near Chicago or not.

(Here was one snipe: "Recent speculation that life on Wisteria Lane could be based on a Chicago suburb -- ignited after a certain self-absorbed broadsheet in town suggested the show could take place here, since a newspaper delivered on Wisteria Lane looked vaguely familiar -- came to an end during Sunday's episode.")

Well, the scene where Mike drove Paul into the wilderness to kill him should put that argument to rest. That hell-blasted place had the look of one of those alkali flats, didn't it?

It looked like the kind of desolate location where the Arrow One spaceship crashed in "I Shot An Arrow Into The Air" episode of 'The Twilight Zone'.

I'm hoping that now that we've learned the secret behind Mary Alice's suicide, we can finally send her on her way and be rid of her voice-over narration from beyond the grave?

I have nothing against her for having killed herself - except for the fact that she may have escaped her problems but dumped them (and so much more!) on her husband and son. And her son Zach was already in that messed-up teenage wasteland. To have done this to him was incredibly selfish.

And I had no problem with her killing Deirdre either. Oh, not that the ex-junkie deserved it, but then again.... Deirdre could have gone the legal route and not been such a bitch about it. Didn't she ever watch 'Columbo'? Oh, that's right..... The Lieutenant exists in her universe.

Still, Deirdre could have watched mystery shows like 'Mustang PI' (from 'Matlock') and learned a very simple fact - you never confront someone like that without any witnesses or backup!

Besides, the actual murder was more a defensive reaction and accident. MacKenzie-Brackman might have won Mary Alice an acquittal. Chopping Deirdre up like she was choppin broccoli probably wouldn't have helped her case though.....

At any rate, where would we be for TV content if we didn't have all these murderers on the loose supplying the basic storylines? Not every show can be 'The Waltons', after all.

No, my only complaint against keeping Mary Alice around is that I'm sick of her voice as well as her snarky comments. Now that we know her big secret, she doesn't deserve to be taking such a haughty attitude.
I say consign her soul to Hell and be done with her.

But if you do need a voice-over to provide a narrative overview, why not have Rex Van De Camp do it? In fact, bring in a new voice from beyond the grave each season to keep the perspective fresh.

We also got to meet the new family on the block, but something tells me that Alfre Woodard's Betty Applewhite is not really that young man's mother. There's something else going on there....

So I think it's likely we saw one of next season's subplots when Edie met the young man of the Applewhite family. It seemed evident to me that Edie's got herself some jungle fever.

Why not? They've already touched on just about every other plot device known to soaps in this one season alone. At the pace they're racing through these storylines, I keep expecting to read that the scriptwriters burned up in spontaneous combustion!

Well, that was one prediction. Here's my favorite bit o' speculation.....

In the first few minutes of the first episode next season, one of the regulars will die.

You may leave the site now if you don't want to know my idea.

I think Mike will walk into that house and Zach will shoot at him. But Mike's Dog will jump into the fray to save his master and attack Zach; and the dog will take the bullet instead.

Frozen by shock over the unintended circumstances, Zach hesitates and that's when Susan clobbers him over the head with... oh, I don't know... let's say a Purex pitcher! And she disarms the boy.

If I was running Toobworld, that's how it would go down, anyway.....

BCnU!
Tele-Toby

ps
And I'm also hoping that there's no way Mary Alice might narrate an episode of 'Lost' during Sweeps Week, for a special crossover with 'Desperate Housewives'.

I'm not THAT crazy about TV crossovers!