2013 TOOBITS AWARDS
It's that time of year again, when we all make lists and think back over the past year, in whatever field of interest concerns us, and chronicle the high points and the lows. For the past few years I've been presenting this compilation as an awards show, the Toobits, which of course celebrates my two bits about Toobworld.
As it is with any such list you'll find in TV columns across the country these last few weeks, these are my opinions. You're welcome to your own and I hope you'll share them, but I'm sticking to my weapons of choice. (It could be you won't see something that was a favorite of yours because I just never got around to seeing it. There's only so much time in the world - even for a do-nothing-else-anyway sort like me! - and I've only got the two eyes, even if they do operate independantly of each other at times.)
Unlike the Emmy Awards which will just keep handing out trophies to some shows forever, only shows, characters and what-not that debuted in 2013 can be considered. (And by "debuted", I mean that which I first came in contact with in 2013. It could be a few years old, but if it's my first time seeing it, it's new.)
This one-time-only rule includes characters who have been recast; those are still the same characters who already exist in Toobworld. (But there were a few notable appearances that deserved honorable mention, and they get it.)
So without further ado, let's have at it:
BEST LINE
"We're at Def-Con Fuck!" - Ben Caffrey, 'Veep'
"It makes perfect sense if you don't think about it." - Burns Family Dad , 'Pepcid Complete' commercial
BEST USE OF AN HISTORICAL QUOTE:
Marcus Aurelius — "Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one." ("the Day Of The Doctor ")
BEST EXCHANGE OF DIALOGUE
Mrs. Gillyflower (holding out her hands): Do you know what these are? The wrong hands!
'Doctor Who' - "The Crimson Horror"
Lt. Mike Tao: He's a big time film director.
Lt. Provenza: Big time? How come I never heard of him?
Buzz: He makes talkies, sir.
'Major Crimes'
[Even though it came out this year, that line is an oldie but a goodie]
BEST SPEECH/MONOLOGUE
"It's better to be fast than to be bitten by a werewolf and then you'll be turned into one and you'll have to stay in and then you'll have to be shaved because you'll be too hot and then you're like 'Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruhr Ruh Ruh Ruh', which means I wish I was back to a human." - Little Girl, Sprint Commercial
BEST ZONK-FILLED DIALOGUE
'Elementary'
When Sherlock Holmes gave Joan Watson her first solo assignment, she told him: "I’m gonna pop in tomorrow and do my best Columbo impression."
Getting no sign of recognition to the reference, she added: "He was a… Never mind." She realized that there was no way he'd know or even care about the explanation. But at least it preserved the belief of Lt. Columbo as a real person.
WORST ZONK-FILLED DIALOGUE
'Maron'
After the slightest attempt at pop-culture bonding, Marc’s stymied that a cool twentysomething doesn’t get a Radar O’Reilly reference. "Nothin'? M*A*S*H? Television show. Alan Alda. Korean War. What're you, 5?"
BEST ZONK-FILLED SPEECH
Garth Blundin's eight minute filibuster from 'Parks & Recreation'
BEST NEW COINED WORD
"Procrasturbating"
Definition from 'The Daily Show':
Using masturbation to otherwise occupy yourself while pressing matters await.
Also used in:
'Veep'
BEST NEW FICTIONAL PRODUCT NAME
"T-DAZZLE" - rebranding flouride in the town's water supply
'Parks & Recreation'
BEST THEME SONG
'Death In Paradise'
BEST END THEME SONG
'Family Tree'
TV COMMERCIAL MUSIC:
iPhone 5 Photos blipvert
BEST MUSICAL MOMENT
"We Saw Your Boobs" - Seth MacFarlane, 'The Academy Awards'
BEST USE OF A PRE-EXISTING SONG
'My Baby Blue' by Badfinger
'Breaking Bad'
I never liked the show, but I can't argue with this choice for the final scene. "Guess I got what I deserved....." Brilliant.
BEST DREAM SEQUENCE
'Community' - "In Felt Surrogacy"
The Study Group relates their woodland trauma via puppets and song
BEST NEW TOOBWORLD LOCATION
World
The island of St. Marie, 'Death In Paradise'
USA
Chester's Mills, Maine, 'Under The Dome'
BEST NEW ALIEN LOCATION
Trenzalore, 'Doctor Who'
BEST NEW ALTERNATE TV DIMENSION
'Defiance'
BEST NEW FICTIONAL COUNTRY
United Hashemite Kingdoms, 'Endeavour' - "Rocket"
BEST FIGHT SCENE
The Battle of Arcadia, "The Day Of The Doctor"
BEST NEW FICTIONAL BOOK
"The Big Snag" by Anthony Bishop, 'Warehouse 13'
BEST NEW FICTIONAL TV SHOW
'To Have And To Hold', 'Mad Men'
'Sherlock Holmes: The New Frontier', 'Family Tree'
BEST NEW FICTIONAL PLAY
"The Black Plague" by Penny Hartz, 'Happy Endings'
BEST NEW FICTIONAL ONLINE TV SHOW
'Monster Roommate', 'Maron'
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER
DOMESTIC
'Mr. Lucky'
'The Virginian'
IMPORTED
'Inspector Morse'
'Scott & Bailey'
'Death In Paradise'
BEST ADAPTATION FROM ANOTHER UNIVERSE (aka MEDIUM)
Peugeot - from 'Wacky Races'
TV TO MOVIE
"Sharknado"
No adaptation needed. It went straight to movie theater screens, as is, for one night only. Which means it became a pure counterpart with no recastaways, plot changes, etc. Let the Cineverse suffer as well!
BOOK to TV
"Spies Of Warsaw"
"King & Maxwell" series of books
COMIC BOOK to TV
'Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.'
TV TO BOOK
"The Columbo Collection" by William Linke
WORST ADAPTATION FROM ANOTHER UNIVERSE (MEDIUM)
TV TO MOVIE
"The Lone Ranger"
BOOK TO TV
'The Paradise'
SHORT STORY TO TV
'Sleepy Hollow'
BEST BOOK THAT SHOULD BE A TV SHOW
The collection of Manly Wade Wellman's Judge Pursuivant stories
STAY TUNED!
THERE'S MORE TO COME!
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