AS SEEN ON TV: ANDY ROONEY III

ANDY ROONEY

AS SEEN ON:
'Saturday Night Live'

AS PLAYED BY:
Norm MacDonald

From the SNL Transcripts site:

"Andy Rooney"

Ed Bradley ... Tim Meadows

Andy Rooney ... Norm MacDonald

[Bumper for CBS' TV newsmagazine "60 Minutes": a ticking stopwatch. Dissolve to correspondent Ed Bradley addressing the camera.]

Ed Bradley:
As the old refrain goes, "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world." And then - there's Andy Rooney.

[Dissolve to elderly, graying weekly commentator Andy Rooney who sits at the desk in his office, with his jacket off and shirtsleeves rolled-up, addressing the camera in his irritatingly snide, cadenced voice.]

Andy Rooney:

People are everywhere nowadays. It seems like you can't go anywhere without bumping into some people. People follow you when you're shopping. They ask you for directions. And, sometimes, they ask you what time it is. People never know what time it is. They have to ask you.

There are over four billion people in the world. That's a lot of people. And I suppose most people like each other all right. But I don't. I don't like people and I never have. I guess that makes me bad.

Advertisers are always using people to help sell their products. [holds a box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes cereal] Here's something called corn flakes. It's got a picture of some people on the box. I guess we're supposed to think, "Well, these people like corn flakes. I guess I will, too." [sets box aside] But I don't think that. I don't like people. And I don't like pictures of people either.

There's even a magazine now about people. [holds up a copy of People Magazine with a photo of Clint Eastwood on the cover] It's called "People Magazine." This issue has a picture of some fellow's head on the cover. I'll bet that's a good article. [sets magazine aside]

Here's a box of letters from different people. [dumps a large box of envelopes on the desktop] Seems there's nothing people enjoy more than writing me letters. [picks envelopes from the pile and holds them up to the camera, one at a time] Here's one from - Washington. This one's from - Ohio. Here's one from - North Dakota.

Here's one from - Paris, Texas. Now, I don't know where Paris, Texas is - but I do know this -- I'm getting pretty tired of cities in Texas naming themselves after cities in France.

Here's one from Chicago. This one's from Iowa. Here's one from Iowa, too. Here's one from Montana. This one's from someplace called "Kansas City." Here's one from Montana. Here's one from Arizona. This one's from Las Vegas. Here's one from Virginia - and here's another one - from West Virginia. This one's from Indiana. I don't know where this one's from - but it's yellow and has a big stamp on it. This one's from Colorado. Here's one from Michigan.

I receive about one hundred of these letters every single day. I never open them. I don't like opening them. I set fire to them.

Then, I pour water on the box of burning letters to put it out the fire. Then, I take the whole mess and I dump it out of my window on the people below. People don't like that much. But I like doing it to them. I suppose that makes me bad.

[Dissolve back to Ed Bradley, addressing the camera.]

Ed Bradley:
We'll be back next week with another edition of "60 Minutes."

I wonder if 'Saturday Night Live' will take one more whack at Andy Rooney tonight, the evening before his last broadcast on '60 Minutes'....?

BCnU!