Tuesday, May 17, 2005



I hate these so-called reality shows; they're a viral blight on the TV Landscape.

Oh, I'll admit I watched the first season of 'Survivor' and was really caught up in it. But when I tried to watch the next incarnation, I was overcome with "feh"-nnui.

But who really needs to see that gasbag Trump give the "86" to a bunch of losers willing to subject themselves to his control, and for what? The pathetic chance to be on TV.

And now we're getting parolee Martha Stewart as the distaff version?

Well, she can sit on it! And I got dis staff she can hop on! (Maybe her theme song should be Mojo Nixon's "Stuffin' Martha's Muffin"!)

I think that's what I hate the most - forcing these celebrity-driven vehicles upon us as if we really needed to see a bunch of has-beens shacking up together in a small house; or those video faux-verities about the "real lives" of the stars.

Most of these spotlight whores wouldn't even know Real Life if it bit them on the ass. And even if it did bite them on the ass, we'd be subjected to a 13 week series showing the hidden camera footage on Court TV.

Someday all of this waste of videotape will be dumped into its own cable tier slum. They can call the channel "Jessinick At Nite" after the couple who caused the floodgates to burst open.

And tonight, the latest round of these excremental exposes premieres: 'Chaotic' debuts on UPN. It's the new series that takes you inside the lives of Britney Spears and her TPT hubby Kevin Federline. I've endured the promo once too often and keep coming back to only two O'Bservations about the program.

One - Their use of the night vision camera which gives that greenish glow to their skin isn't fooling anybody. They want to make people - and by "people", I mean pimply teenage boys just discovering their exploding hormones - to tune in with the hopes that they might catch some "One Night In Paris" styled action on the tube.

Not likely, Poindexter. The only thing that night vision footage does is highlight their inner selves as they mug into the camera - exposing their true souls for all of their ugliness.

Two - When Britney gets all in yo' TV screen and says "Can you handle my truth?", I just want to see a Louisville Slugger come out of the right-hand side of the screen and crumple her temple like the fender on my boss's Mazda.

Not that I know anything about that.....

Gee.... do you think we'll get to see those exciting scenes where Kevin writes out the child support checks to his ex-girlfriend, whom he dumped while she was pregnant with his second child so that he could run off with Britney? Or did that end up on the cutting room floor?

As Darrin Stephens' Mom might say, I'm getting a sick headache just thinking about this show. I pray the Knight in Shining Armor from 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' walks into a scene and slugs her with a rubber chicken at least!

And yet....

I hope 'Chaotic' is a big success. I want lots of people to watch it. I want them to TAPE it! And I want them to keep those tapes forever in their collections.

Because in about ten years (and I'm being generous with that estimate), long after they've broken up and they're both subjects of separate "Where Are They Now" trivia questions, I want people to pull out the old tapes of 'Chaotic' and edit them again to make fun of these two future has-beens.

God, I hope he breaks up with her, just so I can see the headline "STAR SHUCKER".


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