AS SEEN ON TV: ANDY ROONEY

Because Andy Rooney is retiring from '60 Minutes', and because I'm in a deadline crunch for another Inner Toob project, we're showcasing the curmudgeonly commentator the rest of  this week....

ANDY ROONEY

AS SEEN ON:
'Saturday Night Live'

AS PLAYED BY:
Joe Piscopo

From the SNL Transcripts site:

A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney...Joe Piscopo

[Open on the title "A FEW MINUTES WITH ANDY ROONEY"]

Announcer: And now, "A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney."

[Dissolve to Rooney sitting at a desk covered in shoes]

Andy Rooney:
I've been doing some serious thinking about shoes. Ever notice shoes? Everybody wears them. Just look down. There's so many different kinds. A lotta shoes sound like what they are. Oxfords, work shoes, loafers. I guess the good thing about loafers is you don't have to tie them. Space shoes, boots! Ever notice there weren't many Nazis named Steve? You know what's annoying? When that little plastic thing on the end of your shoelaces falls off and gets frayed at the end, and you can't get 'em through the holes, and you gotta do this [licks end of shoelace] to do this. [pushes shoelace through hole in shoe] Ever notice what a weird name Morley Safer is? Morley, is that the opposite of Leslie? And Mike Wallace. Boy, what a jackass! I mean, if you did something illegal, would you tell Mike Wallace about it? I wouldn't. Ever notice how annoying my voice is? Of course, you can turn it off. I can't. Ever notice it gets dark at night? Where does the sun go? Nobody knows. Ever notice how much rouge I have on my cheeks? Of course, some people think it makes me look like a clown.

[He continues over the applause as the "A FEW MINUTES WITH ANDY ROONEY" title fades back in]

BCnU!