THE MALTESE FALCON THAT WASN'T

The Television Universe has plenty of abnormalities that mark it apart from the "Trueniverse". Androids, aliens, talking animals, new nations, etc - it makes me laugh when politicians complain about how a certain situation from "Earth Prime" is portrayed in "Earth Prime-Time", because it has no bearing on the original.

One way in which Toobworld differs from the real world is in the use of "reruns". Not the type of reruns we expect from our TV shows, but in the carbon copies of people and situations that arise from TV show remakes sharing the same world as the original TV series.

In case that's confusing - Sorry about that, Chief! - here's an example: Earth Prime-Time has a proliferation of remakes for the Columbian TV show 'Betty de la Fea', including the American version 'Ugly Betty'. One might expect that each of these remakes would be sent packing to some other TV dimension, but there are enough differences - names of characters, companies, and definitely locations! - to allow them all to remain in Earth Prime-Time. The same goes for all of the international 'Office' clones as well as 'All In The Family' and its British inspiration 'Death Do Us Part'.

Exceptions include the clones for 'Shameless' and 'Being Human'. They were just too exact in their remakes, right down to character names. ('Being Human' had different character names but the situation? A vampire, a werewolf, and a ghost share an apartment. If only the American version had used at least one different category of "monster" for the room-mates - a witch instead of the over-used vampire, perhaps.)

There are certain motifs which are replayed all the time in Toobworld - main characters holding out in a jury vote; pregnant women in the elevator when it goes on the blink; seasonal motifs like rehashed versions of "It's A Wonderful Life" and/or "A Christmas Carol". And my personal favorite - the magician who dies in a sealed coffin that was at the bottom of a pool in front of witnesses... and who was shot to death! (I've seen it done three times so far, a Levinson & Link classic! And the third time was in the sequel to the first depiction.)

Sometimes if enough time has passed between the lives of such replayable character types, I make the claim that it is a case of reincarnation with them reliving their lives. My best example of this would be aristocratic Ross Poldark and his gypsy wife Demelza of Cornwall. Two centuries later, they were reunited in San Francisco as uptight yuppie Greg Montgomery and his hippie wife Dharma Liberty Finkelstein.

I've also noted "bleed-throughs" from other fictional universes, and a good example of this would be the characters from Dashiell Hammett's "The Maltese Falcon". This classic detective novel is better known for its second movie incarnation with Humphrey Bogart but it has never been adapted for television, not even during the heyday of movie adaptations in the anthology TV series from several of the major movie studios.

However we have seen the archetypes of those classic characters played out in Toobworld on several TV shows including 'Get Smart', 'It Takes A Thief', 'Star Trek: The Next Generation'. Usually it comes down to the bad guys being the overweight mastermind and his weasely accomplice, sometimes with a hired gun and a femme fatale in tow.

Although they didn't resemble the Gutman, Joel Cairo, and Wilmer the gunsel from "The Maltese Falcon", we did see those archetypes in an episode of 'The Rogues' - "The Laughing Lady Of Luxor".

The MacGuffin, the object everybody was chasing, wasn't a falcon statue, but a bas relief portrait of Cleopatra which was a cheap copy. However, the wire used to hang it on the wall was a recording of top secret information smuggled out of the Soviet Union.

 

And the stand-ins for the archetypes were:

Dubrovin - a Russian agent (for Caspar Gutman)

Spiro Deleanos - a Greek scrounger/thief (for Joel Cairo)

Lawrence Creighton - Dubrovin's hired "muscle" (for Wilmer)

Catherine de Montrachet - the femme fatale working both sides (for Brigid O'Shaughnessy)



They may not have looked the parts, but they served the same functions as the characters in the book and in the movies.

BCnU!

LITTLE BIG SCREEN - "THE PINK PANTHER"

The year is winding down for our look "Little Big Screen" theme about the connections between Toobworld and the movies. And on November 6th, two different series shared their riffs on the classic slapstick film that spawned a franchise about the French police inspector, Jacques Clouseau - "The Pink Panther".

'A To Z'
"Fight! Fight! Fight!"

 

"The Pink Panther" was a seminal film in the lives of Andrew and Stu when they were little kids. Andrew was taking lessons in karate and in order to keep him in fighting shape, Stu would often hide in unexpected places (like a school locker) and attack Andrew when he least expected it. The inspiration for this came from Inspector Clouseau's assistant Kato in the movie..... 

'White Collar'

"Borrowed Time"

In what may be the over-riding arc for this final season of the show, con artist Neil Caffrey and his FBI handler Peter Burke hatched a plan to infiltrate a gang of high-stakes thieves who called themselves the Pink Panthers. O'Bviously they took their inspiration from the movie.
The movie has been mentioned in several other TV shows:

• 'Caroline In The City' 
• 'Modern Family'
• 'Orange Is The New Black'
• 'House M.D.'

among others.

 

And even the tie-in merchandise (mostly from the cartoon spinoffs based on the movie credits) have been seen in Toobworld, most notably a stuffed Pink Panther doll owned by 'Mr. Bean'.

At one point during Claudia Donovan's career with 'Warehouse 13', she asked "Are these the Pink Panther's calling cards?"

Forgive her; she's young. She was probably referring to the cartoon character, but she could easily have meant Inspector Clouseau in much the same way as a previous generation thought "The Thin Man" referred to William Powell as Nick Charles when in fact it was to the murder victim in the first movie. 

Should reference ever be made to the unique diamond known as the Pink Panther, in such a way as to suggest it exists in Toobworld, I'd have no problem with that. It would be easy enough to claim that the movies were based on the "real" life events. And the fact that the movies date back to the early 1960s doesn't matter either....

After all, diamonds are forever.

BCnU!

THE 2014 TOOBITS AWARDS PART FIVE - BRINGING UP THE REAR......

2014 TOOBITS AWARDS

It's that time of year again, when we all make lists and think back over the past year, in whatever field of interest concerns us, and chronicle the high points and the lows. For the past few years I've been presenting this compilation as an awards show, the Toobits, which of course celebrates my two bits about Toobworld.

As it is with any such list you'll find in TV columns across the country these last few weeks, these are my opinions. You're welcome to your own and I hope you'll share them, but I'm sticking to my weapons of choice. (It could be you won't see something that was a favorite of yours because I just never got around to seeing it. There's only so much time in the world - even for a do-nothing-else-anyway sort like me! - and I've only got the two eyes, even if they do operate independantly of each other at times.)

Unlike the Emmy Awards which will just keep handing out trophies to some shows forever, only shows, characters and what-not that debuted in 2013 can be considered. (And by "debuted", I mean that which I first came in contact with in 2013. It could be a few years old, but if it's my first time seeing it, it's new.)

This one-time-only rule includes characters who have been recast; those are still the same characters who already exist in Toobworld. (But there were a few notable appearances that deserved honorable mention, and they get it.)

So without further ado, let's have at it:

-------------------------------------------------------------------
WORST NEW SERIES TITLE
'Married'

BEST ADVANCEMENT FOR TOOBWORLD
The Ascension space program, 'Ascension'

BEST CLASH BETWEEN TOOBWORLD & THE REAL WORLD'Modern Family' and the California Wildfires
"Best" is a relative term here, but when Cam and Mitchell's wedding was interrupted due to a wildfire, several wildfires were in fact blazing across the area.

MOST TRIVIAL CLASH BETWEEN TOOBWORLD & THE REAL WORLDThe Lakewood Shopper, an Orthodox Jewish newspaper from Lakewood, New Jersey, reported the capture of Mexican cartel leader Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman’s capture.

Instead of using El Chapo’s photo, however, the Shopper used the mug of Luis Guzman, everyone’s favorite actor from the Lower East Side of New York City, known for his roles in “Carlito’s Way” and “How To Make It In America.”

WORST CLASH BETWEEN TOOBWORLD & THE REAL WORLD
CNN

Piers Morgan Live

March 10, 2014

9:43 p.m. Eastern

PIERS MORGAN: How do you spend your life when you’re not working? What would be your life here be this week? What will you do?

CHELSEA HANDLER: Well, I am working this week.

MORGAN: After the show, where do you go? What do you do?

HANDLER: Well, I have to come here and tolerate this nonsense and then I have to ...

MORGAN: What is nonsense? It's designed to flag your tawdry book.

HANDLER: I know. I'm going to go do a book signing at Target in Westwood ...

MORGAN: Yeah.

HANDLER: ... and then I go on the road every weekend and perform live stand-up comedy and do book signings and you know, that's it. I'm just -- I'm a workhorse. I'm a workaholic.

MORGAN: You tweet very amusingly.

HANDLER: I wish you did. I mean, in the middle of the commercial break, I want your viewers to know, I mean, they must know because they're probably following you on Twitter. I mean, you can't even pay attention for 60 seconds. You're a terrible interviewer.

MORGAN: Well, you just weren’t keeping my attention. That's more of an issue for you than me.

HANDLER: Well, but that’s not my problem.

MORGAN: What is your problem?

HANDLER: This is your show. You have to pay attention to the guest that you invited on your show.

MORGAN: If they’re interesting enough.

HANDLER: Yeah, listen. It doesn't matter how interesting I am. You signed up for this job.

MORGAN: Of course it does.

HANDLER: Well maybe that's why your job is coming to an end.

MORGAN: Wow.

HANDLER: Wow.

WORST TV EXPERIENCE
'The Maya Rudolph Show'

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT IN A SHOW
'Ascension'
Only because I wish it had taken the other path......  (Don't want to spoil it.)

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT IN A NETWORK

SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE:

ABC NY, you denied the end of "The 10 Commandments" for the late News. You 
cut off the movie... MY people never made it to the promised land. 
Moses could not go but they did not get there either.. What's up with 
that? - Sharon Goldberg

BEST CRITIQUE BY AN ONLINE COMMENTER

This ending is straight out of a fairy tale... "and they lived happily ever 
after."  I definitely prefer the ending written by Bays and Thomas.  The problem 
with their ending is the timing.  We get hit with a divorce and a death in 
minutes and have zero time to grieve, so it's hard to feel happy that Ted and 
Robin are finally connecting.  I understand it would have lost the impact if 
this had been spread over several episodes, but we would have had time to get 
used to the idea.  I had to keep telling myself, the kids had 6 years to deal 
with their mothers' death so they aren't being callous because they aren't 
crying. - Terr DC

WORST ANALYSIS BY AN ONLINE COMMENTER


Alan... I have to say, I'm disappointed your stance has softened with that "It's their show, it's their story," stuff.

In art, and I look at television as an art form, the art never belongs only to the artists, but to their customers, patrons, fans, etc as well.

We invested over 4500 hours of our lives in original viewings. Some of us have purposefully watched the show again and again on Netflix, or when flipping the channels between 4pm an 8pm or 11pm and midnight.

This was OUR show as much as it was there's. And there was an inherent promise they made with this show, which instead of keeping, ripped-away from us with a cheap, tin-eared bait-and-switch maneuver so vile, it would make a used car salesman proud.

As you eloquently stated Monday night, the last nine years of our lives, 24 Mondays a year, was a giant con job by Bays and Thomas.

They do not deserve understanding. They do not deserve empathy.

They deserve derision and they deserve to be called onto the carpet for the horrible decisions they made that absolutely ruined the entirety of this show in perpetuity, and wasted NINE YEARS of all of our lives.

I will do everything I can to make sure no one I know thinks about watching the show on Netflix, and I will actively campaign against How I Met Your Dad and try to ensure it doesn't see a second season if its actually picked-up by CBS.

Bays and Thomas, those sonovabeetches, are dead to me. I'll never watch anything they ever have a hand in creating again.



BEST TELEVISIOLOGICAL ANALYSIS
PROFESSIONAL
"And we close on another sort of potential threat to the Lannisters with an extended suspense sequence featuring everyone's favorite buddy team of Arya and the Hound. [Too soon to pitch Maisie Williams and Rory McCann for "True Detective" season 2?]" - Alan Sepinwall

AMATEUR
"To confound matters further, there's a show on ABC called "The Returned," also based on a novel. Watch both "The Returned" and "The Leftovers," and you won't know whether you're coming or going." - Ivy Hurley

"Colonel Potter took a bunch of comics out of Radar O’Reilly’s desk, and right on top of the stack was an early Avengers from sixties. Maybe that explains why Radar could hear the casualty choppers before anyone else (hence his nickname). He was actually from the future, having traveled back to the Korean war from the Viet Nam era, bringing his beloved comics with him." - Michael Canfield

HONORARY MENTIONS 'The Murdoch Mysteries' (BEST BLEND OF TOOBWORLD AND REAL WORLD HISTORY)

THE 2014 TOOBITS AWARDS PART FOUR - QUOTES AND OFF-WORLD STUFF

______________________________
BEST LINE

"Time is a flat circle." - Rust Cohle, 'True Detective'

"I'm gonna go Mjolnir on his ass!" - Donna Meagle, 'Parks & Recreation'

"Every time an old man starts talking about Napoleon, you know they're going to die." - Roger Sterling, 'Mad Men'


"If you didn't screw the cow, then she's not your cow." - Evanka, 'Louie'



BEST USE OF AN HISTORICAL QUOTE:
"The fox knows many things but the hedgehog knows one big thing." - Archilochus
('Crime Stories' aka 'Verbrechen nach Ferdinand von Schirach')

BEST USE OF A SHAKESPEAREAN QUOTE:
"When sorrows come, they come not single spies
But in battalions." - From "Hamlet", (quoted by Bobby, 'The Game')

BEST EXCHANGE OF DIALOGUESherlock Holmes: Imagine someone's going to get murdered at a wedding. Who exactly would you pick?
Mrs. Hudson: I think you're a popular choice at the moment, Dear.
Sherlock Holmes: If someone could just move Mrs. Hudson's glass out of reach, that would be lovely.
('Sherlock' - "The Sign Of Three")

BEST SPEECH/MONOLOGUESherlock's wedding toast
“The point I’m trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant, and all-around obnoxious asshole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful, and uncomprehending in the face of the unhappy. So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anyone’s best friend. Certainly not the best friend to the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. John, I am a ridiculous man. Redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But as I’m apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion. Actually, now I can. Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable … I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down, and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.”
('Sherlock' - "The Sign Of Three")

Rustin Cohle:
"In this universe, we process time, linearly. Forward. But outside of our space-time, from what would be a fourth-dimensional perspective, time wouldn’t exist. And from that vantage, could we attain it? We’d see, our spacetime would look flattened. Like a single sculpture with matter in a superposition of every place it ever occupied. Our sentience just cycling through our lives like carts on a track. See, everything outside our dimension, thats eternity. Eternity looking down at us. Now, to us, it’s a sphere. But to them, its a circle…."
('True Detective')

BEST ZONK-FILLED DIALOGUE

POPS

Come on, Murray! A very special "love boat" is almost on! They're docking at "fantasy island"! They're crossing over!

MURRAY

Oh, my god! That's unprecedented!  All right. Gimme the remote.
POPS

What? I thought you had it.
MURRAY

I just came in the door! Why would I have a remote?

POPS

I-I don't know. I figured you took it to work.
MURRAY

Why would I take the remote to work?
POPS

Who the hell knows? You're a quirky guy.

MURRAY
Fine.  I'll use my hand like an animal.- Where's the knob?
BARRY

Do you mean this knob? I'm so sorry.  Are you missing something historical? Perhaps a crossover event of your two favorite shows that you'll never see, and it will haunt you for the rest of your life?
MURRAY

Gimme the knob.
BARRY
No.
MURRAY
Gimme the knob!
BARRY

No.
- Gimme the knob! –

No.  You took something I love. Now I'm taking something you love.
POPS
Well, what about me? I'm just an innocent bystander!
BARRY

Sorry, pops. Wrong place, wrong time.
POPS
But I got to see this show!

BARRY
Tattoo and Gopher in the same room!  How's that gonna end?
MURRAY

You are grounded, moron. Six months!

- 'The Goldbergs'

WORST REALITY TV QUOTE

"Tomorrow, President Obama is going to do interviews with meteorologists all across the country about a new climate change report. I hope they ask him about Benghazi." - Dana Perino, 'Fox News'

BEST NEW COINED WORD
"Brain-Grape" (from 'The Librarians')

WORST NEW COINED WORD
Framily

BEST THEME SONG'You're The Worst'

BEST TV COMMERCIAL MUSIC:Lifestyle Lift - It sounds familiar as if I should know it, but I'll be damned if I know the name of the song.

BEST MUSICAL MOMENT"December, 1963"
('Sherlock' - "The Sign Of Three")

BEST DREAM SEQUENCEProfessor Proton as Obi Wan Kenobi
'The Big Bang Theory'

BEST NEW TOOBWORLD LOCATIONWorld
Maarsdan, 'Van Veeteren' (better late than never)

USA
On board the spaceship "Ascension"

BEST NEW ALIEN LOCATIONThe Orient Express in space, 'Doctor Who'

BEST NEW ALTERNATE TV DIMENSION
"Rapture Toobworld" from 'The Leftovers'


BEST FIGHT SCENE
Between Melinda May and "Melinda May" (Agent 33), 'Agents Of SHIELD'

BEST NEW FICTIONAL BOOK
"Congratulations, You're Dying" by Jimmy Shive-Overly, 'You're The Worst'

BEST NEW FICTIONAL TV SHOW'Darkness At Noon' from AMC - 'The Good Wife'

BETTER LATE THAN NEVERDOMESTIC
'Crossing Lines' pilot

IMPORTED'Wallander' (The Swedish series version)

BEST ADAPTATION FROM ANOTHER UNIVERSE (aka MEDIUM)
TV TO MOVIE
"Veronica Mars"

COMIC BOOK to TV
'The Flash'

THE 2014 TOOBITS AWARDS PART THREE -THE CHARACTERS

2014 TOOBITS AWARDS

It's that time of year again, when we all make lists and think back over the past year, in whatever field of interest concerns us, and chronicle the high points and the lows. For the past few years I've been presenting this compilation as an awards show, the Toobits, which of course celebrates my two bits about Toobworld.

As it is with any such list you'll find in TV columns across the country these last few weeks, these are my opinions. You're welcome to your own and I hope you'll share them, but I'm sticking to my weapons of choice. (It could be you won't see something that was a favorite of yours because I just never got around to seeing it. There's only so much time in the world - even for a do-nothing-else-anyway sort like me! - and I've only got the two eyes, even if they do operate independantly of each other at times.)

Unlike the Emmy Awards which will just keep handing out trophies to some shows forever, only shows, characters and what-not that debuted in 2013 can be considered. (And by "debuted", I mean that which I first came in contact with in 2013. It could be a few years old, but if it's my first time seeing it, it's new.)

This one-time-only rule includes characters who have been recast; those are still the same characters who already exist in Toobworld. (But there were a few notable appearances that deserved honorable mention, and they get it.)

So without further ado, let's have at it:

BEST RECASTAWAY
OVERALL
Brigadier Sir Alastair Lethbridge Stewart, 'Doctor Who'
Sadly, Nicholas Courtney died a few years ago and his role as the former head of UNIT was also retired in death. He was definitely irreplaceable. But Moffatt, that cunning bastid, found a way out of it by transforming his soul and corpse into a Cyberman. But his emotion inhibitor was incapacitated and so the Brigadier was able to save his daughter from death and come to the Doctor's aid at a time of great need. (He may have spared the Doctor from having to kill the Master/Mistress, but I think she teleported the hell out of there before she could be blasted.)

'Father Brown'
It's become one of my "comfort food" murder mysteries, but the character and stories from the G.K. Chesterton stories had already been adapted for TV in the early 70s and so that televersion is the official portrayal for Earth Prime-Time.

Alfred Pennyworth, 'Gotham'
Sean Pertwee's former Royal Marine turned manservant and guardian for young Bruce Wayne ain't your father's butler. If this was the past history for Alfred in all media, he may have not been in fighting trim since WWI as far as the Alan Napier Alfred was concerned. (And I think it possible that he worked in military intelligence against the Hun back then, side by side with Alexander Waverly.)

FEMALE
Missy, 'Doctor Who'
Recasting the next regeneration of the Master as a woman served two purposes well. First, it shut the door on a return by RTD's vision of the Master as hyper-crazy madman. John Simm was great in the part, but it was so over-the-top that there was nowhere to go with it. Secondly, Michelle Gomez' sly performance may prepare the more recalcitrant members of the audience into accepting a female Doctor whenever the time comes.


Young Louie, 'Louie' ("Elevator Part 4")

WORST RECASTAWAY
Daario Naharis, 'Game Of Thrones'
It's bad enough that the Mountain has gone through three recastings since the series started, but he wasn't in the series as a central character and he was encased in armor most of the time he was on screen. But Daario serves at the side of the Khaleesi and is involved in scenes of long dialogue as well as action scenes. At least they could have found an actor who looked like the original Daario, but nooooo.......

BEST NEW MALE CHARACTERDRAMA
TIE:
Marty Hart & Rust Cohle - 'True Detective'
One reason I prefer the Toobits Award method in selecting winners over the Emmy Awards - it's one and done for the most part. None of this being nominated year after year. I'm sure Bryan Cranston was fantastic in the role of Walter White in 'Breaking Bad' (the show just wasn't for me), but the Emmy voters get into a mental lock-step and start voting out of habit for the same actors year after year. If those awards were done my way, Lauren Graham might have finally won for 'Gilmore Girls', and Hugh Laurie for 'House'.

This should have been the year for either Matthew McConnaughey or Woody Harrelson and the sad thing is that it was the only year for their characters. Without giving away the ending of the show, this was a year-long anthology series and next season will have a whole new cast, location, and storyline. Theoretically we have seen Rust again in those Lincoln commercials, but this should have been the year both of them won joint Emmy awards. (I'm sure they shared a joint or two during production though.) At least here they get the Toobits Award, small compensation though that may be.

COMEDY
Jimmy Shrive-Overly - 'You're The Worst'
I'm not a big fan of cringe-worthy comedy - it's what kept me from fully enjoying 'The Office' and it's what makes 'The Comeback' unbearable for me.  But this is stealth cringe.  I should be hating these characters, but I can see that deep down they have what it takes to keep me coming back to watch.  And with Jimmy, the ex-pat Brit author who will probably never see another book published, there's the little boy lost Peter Pan about him.  You also can't beat that expression on his face at his moment of glory - a possible three-way with two women, only to "culminate" too soon.







BEST NEW FEMALE CHARACTER
Miss Phryne Fisher - 'Miss Fisher Mysteries'
Racy, sexy, witty and a free-thinker, Phryne is a breath of fresh air in the history mystery genre.  Solving murders in 1920s Australia also gives us a chance to see her in fabulous outfits... and out of them.

BEST NEW MALE SUPPORTING CHARACTERDrama
Abe, 'Forever'

Comedy
Cash, 'Sirens'

BEST NEW SUPPORTING FEMALE CHARACTERDrama
Fish Mooney, 'Gotham'

Comedy
Lindsay Jillian, 'You're The Worst'

BEST NEW RECURRING MALE CHARACTER

BEST NEW RECURRING FEMALE CHARACTEREvanka, 'Louie'

BEST NEW MULTIVERSAL CHARACTER
Male
John 'Constantine' (from DC Comics)
Female
Lorelei, 'Agents Of SHIELD' (from Marvel Comics)

BEST CROSSOVER CHARACTERS FROM ANOTHER MEDIUM
Dr. Evil of the Austin Powers movies
on 'Saturday Night Live'
Lady Sif of the "Thor" movies
Agent Carter & Dum Dum Dugan of 'Captain America: The First Avenger'
in 'Agents Of SHIELD'

BEST NEW CAST ENSEMBLE
Drama
'Gotham'

Comedy
'You're The Worst'

BEST INTRODUCTION OF A CHARACTER
FEMALE:
Missy, 'Doctor Who'

MALE:
Edward Mortdrake, 'American Horror Story: Freakshow'

BEST ADDITION TO AN EXISTING CASTMALE

FEMALE
Bobby Morse aka Mockingjay, 'Agents of SHIELD'

BEST NEW GUEST APPEARANCE
COMEDY
MALE - Bill, 'Maron'
FEMALE - Vanessa, 'Louie'

DRAMA
Karim Fataris, 'Verbrechen'/'Crime Stories' (episode "The Hedgehog")
Harold Levenson, 'Downton Abbey'

BEST HISTORICAL CHARACTER
Joseph Merrick, 'Ripper Street'
BEST HISTORICAL CHARACTER REVISION
Jane Cobden, 'Ripper Street'

MOST TRIVIAL HISTORICAL CHARACTER
Marcel Guillaume, 'The Murdoch Mysteries'
Had it not been for the digital description courtesy of my cable company, I never would have known that Monsieur Guillaume would one day be the inspiration for the character of Inspector Jules Maigret in the books by Georges Simenon. I'm glad it didn't come up because that would have been one more Zonk to splain away....

BEST NEW ALIEN CHARACTER
The Teller, 'Doctor Who'

BEST NEW CHILD CHARACTERBOY
Martin Moone, 'Moone Boy'
GIRL
Bo, 'Believe'

CHILD CHARACTER WITH THE BEST LINES
Archie, 'Sherlock' - "The Sign Of Three"

CHARACTER MOST DESERVING TO RETURN
Jon Worth, 'Major Crimes'

BEST NEW COMMERCIAL CHARACTER
Captain Obvious, 'Hotels.com'

BEST LEAGUE OF THEMSELVES APPEARANCEDRAMA
Gloria Steinem, 'The Good Wife'

COMEDY
Kate Micucci & Riki Lindholme, 'Garfunkle & Oates'
Amy Poehler, 'Welcome To Sweden'

BEST LEAGUE OF THEMSELVES APPEARANCE IN A COMMERCIAL
Gary Busey

BEST LEAGUE OF THEMSELVES CROSSOVER
Chris Hardwicke - 'Maron' & 'Garfunkle & Oates'

BEST CHARACTER RETURN
Drama:
Pindar, 'Franklin & Bash'
Technically this is a dramady, but our first sight of Pindar upon his return was pretty dramatic.....

Sitcom:
Gary Blauman, 'How I Met Your Mother'
Because his appearance triggered a slew of cameos from past characters who got one last go-round before the series ended: Zoey Parsons, Kevin, Sandy Rivers, Jeanette Peterson, Steve Henry, Scooter, Blah Blah, as well as Patrice and Rajit who were recurring anyway.

BEST CHARACTER RETURN ONLINE:
Dr. Michaela Quinn and the residents of , "Dr. Quinn, Morphine Woman"
(Even if it is in Skitlandia)

BEST LEAGUE OF THEMSELVES RETURN:The gathering of the eleven hosts from 'The View' for Barbara Walters' penultimate show as a host on that series.

BEST NEW ALIENS
The Boneless, 'Doctor Who'

WORST NEW ALIENS
The Turtle-Sapiens, 'Metal Hurlant Chronicles' - "Master Of Destiny"

BEST NEW MALE VILLAIN
John Garrett, 'Agents Of SHIELD'

BEST NEW FEMALE VILLAIN
Missy, 'Doctor Who'

BEST EXIT FOR A CHARACTER
TOOBWORLD
DOMESTIC DRAMA:
Bertram Cooper, 'Mad Men'

INTERNATIONAL DRAMA:
Brian Lane, 'New Tricks'

COMEDY:
Professor Proton, 'The Big Bang Theory'

BEST EXIT FOR A LEAGUE OF THEMSELVES MEMBER
Barbara Walters, 'The View'

BEST DEATH SCENE
King Joffrey Baratheon, 'Game Of Thrones'

HONORARY MENTION
Will Gardner, 'The Good Wife'

SADDEST DEATH
Tracy McConnell, 'How I Met Your Mother'

WORST DEATH SCENE
DI Richard Poole, 'Death In Paradise'

FIRST MAJOR TV CHARACTER TO DIE IN 2014
Pierce Hawthorne, 'Community'

BEST NEW CHARACTER NAME
Dandy Mott, 'American Horror Story: Freakshow'WORST NEW CHARACTER NAME
Fish Mooney, 'Gotham'

WORST CLASSIC CHARACTER NAME
Doctor Herpies, 'McMillan & Wife'

BEST NEW ALIAS
Sketchy Jeff, T-Mobile's Family Plan commercial

THE 2014 TOOBITS AWARDS PART TWO - THE CROSSOVERS AND SPIN-OFFS

2014 TOOBITS AWARDS

It's that time of year again, when we all make lists and think back over the past year, in whatever field of interest concerns us, and chronicle the high points and the lows. For the past few years I've been presenting this compilation as an awards show, the Toobits, which of course celebrates my two bits about Toobworld.

As it is with any such list you'll find in TV columns across the country these last few weeks, these are my opinions. You're welcome to your own and I hope you'll share them, but I'm sticking to my weapons of choice. (It could be you won't see something that was a favorite of yours because I just never got around to seeing it. There's only so much time in the world - even for a do-nothing-else-anyway sort like me! - and I've only got the two eyes, even if they do operate independantly of each other at times.)

Unlike the Emmy Awards which will just keep handing out trophies to some shows forever, only shows, characters and what-not that debuted in 2013 can be considered. (And by "debuted", I mean that which I first came in contact with in 2013. It could be a few years old, but if it's my first time seeing it, it's new.)

This one-time-only rule includes characters who have been recast; those are still the same characters who already exist in Toobworld. (But there were a few notable appearances that deserved honorable mention, and they get it.)

So without further ado, let's have at it:
_______________________________________________________________________
BEST CROSSOVER
'Chicago Fire'
'Law & Order: Special Victims Unit'
'Chicago P.D.'
Of course, it was easy to pull off, since they're all Dick Wolf productions. But the story jumping back and forth between Chicago and New York at least made sense, unlike past attempts with geographical nightmares like 'Crossing Jordan' in Boston and 'Las Vegas'.

BEST CROSSOVER PLOTLINE
'The Flash' & 'Arrow'
Boiled down to its essence, it was basically the two heroes visiting each other's city and teaming up to fight first Rainbow Raider and then Captain Boomerang. But so much was revealed and plot lines advanced in each episode so that they became integral for each show's fanbase if they wanted to be completists. These weren't cast-off, one-shot, throwaway stories.

BEST HISTORICAL CROSSOVER
'Republic Of Doyle' - "If The Shoe Fits"
Following up from the 'Murdoch Mysteries' crossover episode "The Republic Of Murdoch", the story jumped to the present time so that a descendent of William Murdoch teamed up with Jake Doyle on a case. (Doyle's ancestor Jacob worked with Detective William Murdoch in the first part of the crossover.)

BEST TOONIVERSE CROSSOVER
'Family Guy'
with
'The Simpsons'
'Bob's Burgers'
'The Cleveland Show'

BEST SKITLANDIA CROSSOVER
'The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson'
The Final Show - the ending
Craig and his robot skeleton sidekick Geoff Pierson realized that after ten years they had never seen who was really inside the Secretariat Pantomine Horse costume.  In a big reveal, it turned out to be Bob Newhart who told Craig that this was his dream.  It then morphed to Craig in bed - but he was now Mr. Wick from 'The Drew Carey Show' and he was married to Drew!  Craig tells him that he dreamt that he had been the host of a late night talk show and that Carey was the host of a game show.  As the scene faded, the camera panned over to a snow globe on the night stand which showed Craig, Geoff, Secretariat and the TARDIS.  It was a wonderful blend of other shows' finales - 'Newhart', 'St. Elsewhere', - with tips of the hat to 'The Drew Carey Show', 'The Price Is Right', 'Doctor Who'.

BEST HOLIDAY CROSSOVER
Target commercial: "What D'Ya Get?"
A variety of toys - from Barbie to toy soldiers to a Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtle - are all excited at the prospect of what toy may be joining them from the little kid's Christmas present. 



BEST TRIVIAL CROSSOVER
'Gracepoint' & 'Doctor Who'
Phone messages to be found on Detective Carver's desk were from Rose Tyler, Dr. Martha Jones, and Donna Noble. The contents of each of the notes tied in with the storylines for each of those Companions to the Tenth Incarnation of the Doctor.

My theory is that UNIT detected the rerun atmosphere surrounding the town of Gracepoint and how much it resembled an earlier case in the town of Broadchurch. And the fact that Detective Carver resembled not only Detective Alec Hardy from the first case, but also the Tenth Doctor, led them to investigate. Perhaps these notes were meant to trigger some sort of reaction should he prove to be the Doctor trapped in some alternate aspect of himself.

Just sayin', is all......



BEST THEORETICAL CROSSOVER OF THE YEAR
'Mad Men' & 'Doctor Who'
Many of the 'Mad Men' cast were huddled around their TV sets to watch as Neil Armstrong set foot on the Moon, the first human* to do so. And that's when the Doctor sent out the recorded video of the Silence who suggested that humans should kill the Silence on sight. Because you can't remember having seen the Silence once you look away, no one remembers this happening in Toobworld. That's why nobody mentioned it in that episode of 'Mad Men'.
(* In Earth Prime-Time, this was the first "Official" landing on the Moon. Men had been going to the Moon on secret missions for at least a decade.)

BEST REALITY CROSSOVER
Aisha Tyler - 'Who's Line Is It, Anyway?' & 'Let's Make A Deal'
('Let's Make A Deal' host Wayne Brady also appears on 'Who's Line Is It, Anyway?')

BEST PAN-UNIVERSAL COMMERCIAL CROSSOVERRocky & Bullwinkle; Geico
You can never go wrong with an appearance by Moose and Squirrel. And these were the Rocky and Bullwinkle from the Cineverse, not the cartoons.....

BEST COMMERCIAL/SERIES CROSSOVEREARTH PRIME-TIMEAutotrader & 'The Dukes Of Hazzard'
Not once did they break the fourth wall during this mini-adventure and they even advanced the story by trading in their old General Lee for a newer model.

WORST COMMERCIAL/SERIES CROSSOVER
Time Warner Cable & 'Suits'
Although they were in character, there were too many references to what was happening in their lives as being part of a TV series.

BEST CROSSOVER WITH A DIFFERENT MEDIUM

BOOKWORLD
'True Detective' & "The King In Yellow" (1895 book)

"Along the shore the cloud waves break,
The twin suns sink beneath the lake,
The shadows lengthen
In Carcosa.

Strange is the night where black stars rise,
And strange moons circle through the skies
But stranger still is
Lost Carcosa.

Songs that the Hyades shall sing,
Where flap the tatters of the King,
Must die unheard in
Dim Carcosa.

Song of my soul, my voice is dead;
Die thou, unsung, as tears unshed
Shall dry and die in
Lost Carcosa."

- Robert W. Chambers,
Excerpt from "The King In Yellow", 1895

THE MAGAZINE UNIVERSE
Drunk Uncle, played by Bobby Moynihan during the "Weekend News Update" segments on 'Saturday Night Live', graced the holiday cover of 'Time Out New York'.....

COMIC BOOK WORLD
'Doctor Who' & "Abslon Daak, Dalek Killer"
That fact that Daak had to be seen as a drawing from a comic book can be splained away as being a police sketch.

THE CINEVERSE
'Endeavour' & "That Thing You Do!"
A call came in from Mr. White of Playtone Records in Hollywood. It was quick, under-played, and effective.

BEST THEORETICAL COMMERCIAL CROSSOVER
Lincoln & 'True Detective'
I have no problem believing that Matthew McConnaughey was appearing as Rust Cohle in that Lincoln.

WORST THEORETICAL COMMERCIAL CROSSOVER
Sprint Wireless iPhone6 & 'Married'
Of course, this is theoretical as we don't know for certain that Judy Greer is playing Lina Bowman from that sitcom. But we're all about being tidy with the proliferation of characters in the TV Universe. If we can conflate two characters into one, we will!



BEST TOONIVERSE CROSSOVER
'The Simpsons' & 'Family Guy with 'Bob's Burgers' + 'The Cleveland Show'
Runner-Up
'The Simpsons' & 'Futurama'
Homer meeting Bender may have been funnier, but the four-way 'Family Guy' crossover was more involved and involved three different production companies. And they had a great understanding of the characters they were borrowing.

BEST ONLINE CROSSOVER
'Downton Abbey' & 'Mr. Selfridge'
Almost a shame that it was set in Skitlandia, but hell - it was for charity after all......


MOST TRIVIAL TOONIVERSE CROSSOVER
'The Simpsons' & 'It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown'
Time has no meaning in the Tooniverse for the most part, so Charlie Brown wll always be that little blockhead in the hole-filled sheet collecting nothing but rocks from houses on Halloween.

LAST CROSSOVER OF THE YEAR
'White Collar' & 'Lost' (among others)
Mozzie built his own version of the algorithm machine and to test its capabilities, he fed the Oceanic airline and JFK airport and warehouse 1097 into the machine and got a flight rerouted there with a shipment of Federal Reserve money.  (Oceanic Airways is a member of the TV Crossover Hall of Fame already.)

THIS JUST IN!
'White Collar' was trumped in the final days of the month by young upstart 'The Librarians'!
"And The Apple Of Discord" made mostly theoretical connections to 'Lost Girl', Irish mythology, 'The Hobbit', a role-playing game called "Iron Kingdom" and even a numerical reference to 'Lost'.  But best of all was a mention of Wold Newton, which probably had hundreds of Crossoverists pumping their fists in the air, and an appearance by a representative from the World Crime League.  This is a direct link to the movie "Buckaroo Banzai: Across The Eighth Dimension" which promised a sequel about the World Crime League.

THE 2014 TOOBITS AWARDS PART ONE

2014 TOOBITS AWARDS

It's that time of year again, when we all make lists and think back over the past year, in whatever field of interest concerns us, and chronicle the high points and the lows.  For the past few years I've been presenting this compilation as an awards show, the Toobits, which of course celebrates my two bits about Toobworld.

As it is with any such list you'll find in TV columns across the country these last few weeks, these are my opinions.  You're welcome to your own and I hope you'll share them, but I'm sticking to my weapons of choice.  (It could be you won't see something that was a favorite of yours because I just never got around to seeing it.  There's only so much time in the world - even for a do-nothing-else-anyway sort like me! - and I've only got the two eyes, even if they do operate independantly of each other at times.)

Unlike the Emmy Awards which will just keep handing out trophies to some shows forever, only shows, characters and what-not that debuted in 2013 can be considered.  (And by "debuted", I mean that which I first came in contact with in 2013.  It could be a few years old, but if it's my first time seeing it, it's new.)  

This one-time-only rule includes characters who have been recast; those are still the same characters who already exist in Toobworld.  (But there were a few notable appearances that deserved honorable mention, and they get it.)

So without further ado, let's have at it:

BEST NEW TV SHOWIMPORT
DRAMA
'Nicolas Le Floch'
A police detective in pre-Revolutionary France - nothing I like more than a good "History Mystery" and this show delivers.  As far as I can tell it has the period details down and in such a way that only the French could have done.

COMEDY
'Moone Boy'
This is a brilliant spin on flashback reminiscense stories which we've had since at least 'The Wonder Years'.  The show is narrated from the present day, looking back at the life of young Martin Moone growing up in 1990 Ireland - told from the perspective of his imaginary friend.  The concept has been optioned to be remade as an American TV show and I think Earth Prime-Time can handle both of them being in the same dimension.  In fact, I think it's a show that could be adapted in plenty of countries, much like 'The Office' and 'Betty de la Fea'.

DOMESTIC
DRAMA:
'True Detective'
Trippy and gritty, treating a ritualistic murder in bayou country as though it was black magic in some fantastical landscape.  I doubt this could have worked with lesser talents than Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson in the lead roles.  And best of all, even though many of the characters live on in Toobworld, our memories of them won't be diminished by dilution through multiple seasons (as was the case with 'The Sopranos'.)  This is an anthology series - one season and done - and already work has begun on a new case, new location, new mood, and new characters.

COMEDY:
I really didn't want to choose one over the others with these three:

'You're The Worst'
I'm not one who enjoys shows about characters I'm not supposed to like but at least this is full-out cringe comedy as could be found in 'The Comeback' as an example.  I actually like Jimmy and Gretchen and their poisonous relationship, but I don't think I'd last a day as one of their "friends".

'Sirens'
It's not often a TV show I watch all by my lonesome can make me laugh out loud, but it happened all the time with this sitcom.  Especially during that disasterous wedding ceremony!

'Garfunkle & Oates'
Sweet televersion display of "life" for this Internet sensation duo.  Songs are catchy and only slightly cringe-worthy at times.

WORST NEW TV SHOW
'Intruders'
It was an intriguing premise, a great cast, but that first episode was dull as dishwater and I had no interest in going any further than that......

BEST TV MOVIE"Murder On The Homefront"
Gripping murder mystery during the War Years.  Thankfully no historical personages to bleep things up with conflicting recastaway issues.

WORST TV MOVIE
"Sharknado 2: The Second One"
And yet I watched....  My face still hurts from all the face/palm action.  This takes place in Disaster Toobworld.

WORST TV SPECIAL
'The Maya Rudolph Show'
A terrible train wreck for a talented woman.  She deserved better.  And didn't the 'Columbo' episode "Make Me A Perfect Murder" teach the people in the industry anything?  The ship has sailed on live variety specials in today's world.

BEST MINI-SERIES
'The Game'
There was a suggestion at the end of the sixth and final episode that we might see further adventures among these office drones in the MI-5 of the early 1970s.  I hope not.  This was just so perfect in feeding my love for the dreary life a spy, Le Carre style.

BEST ONLINE TV
The full song rendtions by the comedy-singing duo of Garfunkle & Oates.

BEST COMMERCIAL
"Memory Lane"
A slice of life as a grandmother takes her granddaughter to see the spot where she met the grandfather - under a tree on the Woodstock property where the epic music festival was held.  Or was it that tree.....?  Man that made me feel old!

BEST MUSIC VIDEO
"Bang Your Drum"
('The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson' - Final Show Opening
It started out with Craig lip-synching to the song by Dead Man Fall, filled with images from the past decade of his show.  Plus there were shots of nearly fifty celebrities - including the Thing from the Fantastic Four! - banging on drums or drum like objects (like Julia Louis-Dreyfuss banging on Tony Hale's head) or Kristen Bell banging on her own pregnant belly). And then it went "live" in the studio with Craig taking over the vocals and Bone Patrol providing fantastic musical backup.  Love the drums!   

BEST EPISODE, ANY GENRE
'Sherlock' - "The Sign Of Three"I could watch this over and over.....


BEST SERIES RETURN
'The Comeback'
Even though I wasn't a fan of the travails in Valerie Cherish's life, and a little Lisa Kudrow goes a long way, I like the fact that this is a show that wouldn't say "Die".  It came back for a second season nine years after it went off the air, proving that Life goes on in Toobworld even though we no longer get to see it.

BEST SEASON FINALE
Nothing jumped out at me this year.

BEST SERIES FINALE
'Psych'
This is because of a theoretical crossover with 'Monk'.  It was so trivial, we never even got to see Adrian Monk! But we know that in the final scene, he was just off-screen - alphabetizing the pantry.....

BEST CLIFF-HANGER
'Grimm'
A grimm without his powers in a frenzied crowd of Wesen - and the series returned in the Fall without a quick resolution to Nick Burkhardt's troubles.



WORST SERIES CONCLUSION
'Franklin & Bash'
It wasn't meant to be the series finale and so it ended on an unresolved cliff-hanger.  I think we have to accept that Stanton Infeld has shuffled off this mortal coil.

BEST SPIN-OFF
'Chicago P.D.'
This is all due to the gritty portrayal of the main character, Sgt. Voight, played by Jason Beghe. 

BEST SEQUEL
"Veronica Mars" - The Movie

BEST PREQUEL
'Gotham'
I'm really enjoying this look at how the legend of the Batman began, along with all of the supporting players in his world.  However, it has to be remembered that this is yet another TV dimension and not the main Toobworld.  It's far too gritty and too modern (cell phones, for example) to have any connection to the "true" Batman and Gotham City from 1966.

BEST REMAKE
'Father Brown'
This is located in the Land O' Remakes because the Father Brown played by Kenneth More in the early seventies has dibs on Earth Prime-Time.  But there are nice touches of the period without beating you over the head with it, and Mark Williams is perfect in the role.

BEST PILOT
'Scorpion'
Edge of your seat excitement which isn't always matched in the following episodes (as one would expect - production costs would have been too prohibitive.)  But they are a genial team, sort of an action-adventure version of the 'Big Bang Theory' characters.  And how could I resist a TV series that not only has an O'Brien as the main character but also a Toby as part of his team?

BEST HISTORICAL RECREATION
'Nicolas Le Floche'
I mentioned this earlier - they take great pains to display historical details in the ways of Life without calling attention to themselves: "Look how clever we are in showing you how they used to cook food in those days!"  And the locations chosen to evoke the time period could only be found in France.  These weren't studio sets......

BEST SENSE OF ONE'S OWN HISTORY
'Endeavour' - Season Two
The series would introduce characters and places that would come into play a few episodes later and also re-introduce us to places and items that we knew from the original series of 'Inspector Morse'.  (Two examples - the prison and the Wolvercote belt buckle.)

BEST BLEND OF TOOBWORLD AND REAL WORLD CELEBRITY
'Welcome To Sweden'
It's hard to believe, considering the show took place in Stockholm, but the main character must have been a really good tax accountant for all of his celebrity clients to make the trip over there - Will Ferrell, Gene Simmons, Aubrey Plaza (for Amy Poehler)......

BEST REVIVED SERIES
'Agents Of SHIELD'
It began with the crossover by Sif from the "Thor" movies and Lorelei from the comics.  Then the tie-in to "Captain America: The Winter Soldier" and it picked up speed with the attacks by HYDRA.

BEST CLASSIC TV EXPERIENCE
IMPORT
'The Adventures Of Robin Hood'
DOMESTIC
'The Rogues'